Fourth Wall?  What Fourth Wall?
by The Man in the White Coat
Summary: Join me as I attempt to write the greatest Naruto fan ficiton ever!  Of course, it would be easier if the protagonist did not know he was in a fan fiction and refused to cooperate
1. The Story That Wouldn't Start

The nine-tailed demon fox, most powerful of the tailed demon beasts that ravaged the world, was at a loss as it stared at the mental representation of its jailor. Normally, it would growl threats and promise a swift demise to the blonde youth now standing just outside its cage, and futilely attempt to shred the boy to ribbons with claws of demonic chakra.

But most days the boy wasn't insane-and the fox did not know how to react to the situation.

**So you're saying that this Kishiomoto person is essentially God?** the fox asked, having listened to Naruto to what might have been the better portion of three hours, had time the same relevance within the blonde's mind that it did in the real world-in reality, it was most likely a handful of moments in the real world.

"That's right," Naruto said, sitting with his legs crossed in the water just outside the cage.

**And because you're aware of this, you can control reality because you're the "protagonist" of the story?** the fox asked; it was very worried-it didn't know if the boy's insanity would adversely affect itself, being sealed within the youth's body.

"Not normally," Naruto admitted. "You see, Kishiomoto is the official god that set out the template of this reality." He paused to think for a moment before recalling a concept he had heard of from a book he had read many years ago. "Are you familiar with the concepts of alternate realties?"

The mass of chakra raised what would be its eye ridge. **Vaguely.**

"Okay," Naruto said, chewing on his lip in thought. "Right, so you attacked Konoha and were sealed by the Fourth," Naruto said.

**Are you trying to irritate me, brat?** the fox growled, angered by the arrogance of the small insignificant slip of a human mocking it.

"This is just an example, don't get your tails in a know," Naruto scowled. "Anyway," he dismissed the fox ire, "the Fourth sealed and here you and I are having this conversation."

**Obviously**, the fox put all the effort it could into coloring its tone with as much scathing sarcasm as it could.

"But what if he didn't ?" Naruto asked.

The fox found itself just the slightest bit interested in seeing what kind of logic the child's insanity was producing. **Explain.**

"The Thrid could have easily sealed you away instead; the Fourth could have failed and been killed; he could have succeeded but sealed you in, say, Sasuke or Hinata, for example. These would have considered alternate realities."

**It's . . . an interesting concept,** the Nine-Tails admitted, flashing its teeth at the thought of killing the Fourth Hokage and demolishing the village.

"Anyway, the concept that I told you about deals with 'what-ifs' such as those, but on a different basis," Naruto lecutred. "This morning I woke up and I had to make a decision between pork or miso instant ramen, I chose miso and reality continued on

But what , the concept of alternate realities states at that moment I must have also have chosen the pork ramen, instead, and what had been reality up until that point, branched off into two parallel universes that had been the same up until I had made that decision."

**Fascinating as this is,** the fox said, **what does it have to do your revelation about god?** the fox was getting impatient.

"We aren't in the original universe," Naruto revealed. "We're in an alternate universe that someone else created," Naruto said.

**This Kishimoto-God isn't responsible for us?** the fox asked, waving its nine tails about it lazily.

"No," Naruto confirmed. "As near as I can figure, some other lesser god took our reality and made a copy, and is doing things either vastly or slightly different."

**And why would God allow a being of lesser power to take the reality that it had worked so hard to craft and muck about in it, in what is essentially a glorified experiment with no other purpose to illustrate what might have been?**

"I don't know," Naruto shrugged. "Maybe it's more easier to let the lesser being play about then it is to go to the trouble to stopping it. My guess is that the copy-cat is so far beneath Kishimoto's notice, that he doesn't even know he exists."

**Fascinating**, the fox said dryly, having enough of listening to the ninja spout off his insanity. **As interesting as your delusions are, I'm tired of talking to you. For both are sakes, visit the hokage and have her schedule a Yamanaka to look at your mind. I don't want to suffer any side effects from an insane host.** And with that, the fox flooded Naruto's chakra coils with a surge of its own demonic chakra to expel him back into reality.

Except nothing happened.

**What did you do, boy!** the fox raged, worried that the boy's insanity was already adversely affecting itself.

"The whole point that I'm having this discussion you, right now, is that this lesser god that is creating the alternate reality that were in messed," Naruto informed the fox. "I _know_ that I'm in an alternate reality, and it's made me aware of how to influence certain things on my own."

The fox stared at the child; Naruto seemed sane, but it had never interacted with a human before to truly know the difference between a human that was insane versus one that was sane. **Okay, so if what you say is true, what can you affect, then?** It figured the best course of action was to simply humor its host for the time being.

"From what I've been experimenting, I can only affect myself and things directly related to me," Naruto admitted. "The false god is controlling the destiny of everyone else, but I can refuse what it wants me to do," Naruto admitted. "I can't go about breaking the basic laws of physics or ninjustsu for example-I'm still bound to the laws laid down by Kishimoto when he created the original reality." Naruto scratched at his head. "But I can, at certain times, manipulate a situation to my advantage."

"As fascinating as this all is, why should I care?" the fox asked, crossing its arms beneath its breasts-then it stopped and looked down at its now very human and very naked form.

Naruto blushed red at the sight of the now naked woman, having not expected it at all.

"What did you!" the woman-the Nine-Tailed Fox?-roared, rushing and wrapping her hands around the bars, baring teeth at Naruto that possessed canines that were sharper than was normal for an average person.

Naruto looked away from the angry woman, clothed in little more than her raven hair. "I told you-I can control things related directly to me. Since you're sealed within me, you're under my control, as well."

"I'm human!" the woman screamed, at him. "My tails! Where are my tails!"

"Calm down!" Naruto shouted. "I got sick of looking up at you at your giant form and I wanted you to be smaller, okay!"

"That doesn't explain where my tails went or why I'm human!" the fox-turned-woman yelled.

"I don't know! I'm still new to this whole 'manipulate-reality' thing, okay!" Naruto defended. "I think you still have your tails-look at your hair."

The woman growled at him but nonetheless reached behind her awkwardly grabbed at her hair, noticing that it seemed to naturally be split into nine strands. Some of its anger leaving it (her?) the fox decided to ask the next pertinent question as its gaze swept down its naked form. "Why am I a woman?" the fox asked.

"How should I know?" Naruto defended. "You mean you weren't a woman before?"

The woman rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, then shifting them awkwardly beneath the globes of flesh that it now adorned its chest. "I wasn't even really a fox before, only a mass of emotions and demonic chakra that happened to be fox-shaped. Gender was never an issue."

"Really?" Naruto questioned, turning his head to stare at her, and then immediately turning away as soon as he remembered her nudity. "Well, all I wanted was for you to be able to talk to you easier-you know, instead of talking to a big-ass fox that was always flashing teeth bigger than myself at me constantly." Naruto thought about that. "I'm used to talking to other humans, so I guess these powers made you human." He shrugged.

"That doesn't explain why I'm a woman, now," the fox reminded, turning around to walk away from the bars and nearly falling to the ground as she stumbled. She had gone from being a giant fox that walked on four legs and had a multitude of nine of tails to help it balance, to being a biped with a whole new center of gravity.

"Hell if I know," Naruto said. "Maybe you always thought of yourself as being a woman, or you'd be female if you were human? Or maybe these new abilities simply flipped a coin, or something, and it landed on female." Naruto turned to her, closing his eyes. "Listen, can you put some clothes on or something?"

The female sat down and crossed her arms in defiance. "Why should I? Modesty is a human concept, and I'm not human, no matter how I now look. And where would I get clothing? I didn't wear clothing as a fox why would I have any to wear now-not to mention the fact that I'm still technically just a mass of chakra and this is a mental representation that you've forced upon me." The Nine-Tails lifted a finger and wiggled its finger, fascinated by the new digits and their range of motion as she inspected everything from their bone structure to the slightly pointed finger nails that rested at the end of each.

"Why do I look I this way?" the demon(ess?) asked, playing with one of the nine clusters that her long hair seemed to divide into.

"I already explained that," Naruto said, refusing to look at the woman while she was naked.

"No," the woman said, "I mean why do I look like this physically?"

"You were expecting to have red hair and breasts as big as your head? That's just cliché," Naruto dismissed. "Just because you were the most powerful of the tailed demons, doesn't mean you'll be a vision of beauty. There are plenty humans who wield power or possess it in some other form, and they range from being ugly to above attractive. Stop being so damn vain," Naruto complained.

"I could destroy mountains with a swing of my tail. brat!" The woman growled. "I have reason for my confidence! And I could care less as to how I look as a . . . human," she said, hissing the last word like it was something filthy upon her tongue. "But the red hair would have made sense: my fur-or the representation of fur that was formed from my chakra-not to mention my chakra, was red. And I would at least expect my tails to be hair."

"As far I can tell, this form is like an iceberg," Naruto said, letting a sigh as he wondered why he was still here.

"An iceberg?"

"When someone sees an iceberg, all they see is maybe, what, five percent? The vast majority of it is hidden beneath the water. This form is just the tip of your total power-I did want a better way to talk to you. As for your tails-I made you human. It's anatomically impossible to have a human body with nine tails coming out of the tail bone. It would look awkward, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to connect all the proper nerves and muscles from the spine and what not.

That explains your hair color, come to think of it," he mused.

The woman looked at the hair and gazed at its dark sheen. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"The tips of your tails were black, right?" Naruto asked.

"Yes. Your point?"

"Well, your hair represents just a portion of your tails right? And you had a small of black at the tip of each, right?"

"I never thought to check," the fox said dryly.

"Listen, I'm trying to figure this out, okay! Let's just say it was magic, then! That fine with you?" he asked.

"Magic?"

"I can't think of any other word to describe my new powers, can you?" Naruto snorted.

The woman didn't answer that, but asked another question. "I thought you said that couldn't break the basic rules laid down by God?" she asked.

"I can't," Naruto said.

"Then how come I have a tenth tail?"

Naruto whipped his head around at that-and fainted at the sight that he saw.

"Right here," she said, running her fingers between the tangles of black hair between her legs. "You said my hair represents my tails, so the nine strands on my head plus this equals ten, does it not?" she asked curiously.

"T-That's not a tail," Naruto stuttered, closing his eyes so tightly he feared that he would inure himself; oh, how a certain sanin would kill to be in his shoes.

"But it is hair and you said-"

"I know what I said! " Naruto yelled. "But it's a tail and for the love of god, stop touching it!" he pleaded.

The woman did an expression that if she had known what it was called, would be called pouting; as it was, she was still getting accustomed to the lack of a elongated nose and jaw, though her lips did a much wider range of controls.

"The hairs there because human woman have hair down there, okay!"

"You still have not explained the hairs' purpose," the woman pressed.

_And I won't._ Naruto thought resolutely. _There is no way I am explaining the birds and bees to force-of-nature-turned-woman_, he thought, shuddering at how that conversation would go.

Nothing was said after that; with Naruto refusing to look at the woman that was the Nine-Tails, and the Nine-Tails exploring her new form-how she was exploring Naruto did _not_ want to know.

The silence was broken when the demon-human spoke once more. "Don't you have something to actually be doing?" she asked. "Instead of sitting in a pool of water in your own head?"

"The false god wants me to do some things to start the story," Naruto explained.

"And you don't want to?"

"I'm going to be the hokage one day," Naruto reminded the demon. "And hokages don't take orders from anyone-not even upstart false gods."


	2. Deus ex Fan Fiction

_Alright_, Naruto thought, eating a cup of instant ramen as he walked, _first goal is to never let a Yamanaka into my head-_ever, he concluded

**Because of me**, the Nine-Tailed fox asked; in her prison, she was lifting a slender foot up and wiggling her toes, intrigued by the new body parts.

_Yes and no_, Naruto answered, slurping up some noodles as he stepped over Shino's corpse, and a building collapsed somewhere off to his right. _Most of the older shinobi wouldn't be surprised if they found you in my mind-it's more the fact that you're a woman that I really don't want to explain to them._

**So?** the fox tilted her head at a nearby bloodcurdling scream. **Simply say I'm a manifestation of your feminine side**, she offered.

_I thought of that, and it might work, but I'm pretty certain that any manifestation would have clothes at the very least and-it's just something that I don't want to be bothered with._

A jounin of the Leaf just in front of him sliced in two at the waist by an enemy ninja with the symbol of a smiling face. Naruto watched the scene with an irritated sense of indifference as the enemy ninja (from the Hidden Village of Happiness, if he were to make any guesses) charged at him with sword.

Naruto smiled as he a particularly juicy piece of beef in his cup and happily popped in his mouth.

**What are doing!** the Nine-Tails screamed in panic. **If you die, I die! Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it! **it implored him.

Suddenly the enemy ninja was immolated in a plume of searing flame as a Sound ninja appeared. Before Mr. Sound could attempt to murder Naruto (who was frowning forlornly at his cup of now-empty ramen,) a trio of Sand ninja's appeared and murdered the shit out of the ninja who followed Orochimaru.

Letting out a sigh, Naruto tossed the disposable cup into a nearby puddle blood and continued his leisurely stroll, not at all worried of the destruction and death occurring all around him. A kunai sped on a direct course for his head-and at the last moment (without explanation,) Gai appeared, batted the weapon away, and then vanished with no explanation whatsoever.

**Where did he come from?** the woman in the blonde ninja's head (although it was more technically his stomach) asked. **For that matter, where did he go?**

"This doesn't make any sense does it?" Naruto asked, absentmindedly flinging a shuriken behind him carelessly-an enemy fell dead with the four-pointed metal star lodged between her eyes. "Konoha was attacked by seemingly every village that exists, with no prior warning or explanation. "What I think happened is that whatever false god is playing with our lives simply wanted a huge battle to happen-never mind the how or why involved-and the best way was having a war start and people to start dying. Hell, I think this is so haphazard, that whoever's in control is simply inventing factions without any thought of why they should. All that matters is that there's a battle."

**And the fact that you aren't even the slightest bit of being worried about dying?**

"Right now, I'm supposed to be a big damn hero, flinging out super jutsu and using skills that I would suddenly realize that I possessed," Naruto explained, tapping his wrist watch in an attempt to get it unstuck from where it stopped at exactly 11:00. "But I refuse to do that on the principle of having basic dignity and pride, and that's where reality and my actions are coming in conflict

I'm supposed to be the hero, so the god's reality is actively changing things to ensure that I cannot die and reality keeps itself on its set path."

Just then Itachi appeared-for no reason _at all_-and proceeded to slit Ino's throat.

"See," Naruto observed. "Disregarding the fact of why Akatsuki would even involve themselves in this large of battle, I was supposed to intervene and save Ino at the last possible moment in a badass fashion," Naruto said, waving to the spectacle.

As Ino fell to the ground, making a series of gurgling sounds through her lacerated neck, her eyes were wide as she realized she was dieing. Just then, Tsunade appeared, punched Itachi away, healed Ino, and jumped off as if nothing had happened.

"I didn't save her but she wasn't supposed to die according to the plan that the false god has laid out for this reality, so reality rewrote itself so that Ino survived.

**Even I will admit that having reality pander to your whim is useful**, the fox-turned-human admitted, thinking of the possibilities that prevented itself.

"It's stupid and it's cheating," Naruto shot back. The Hokage tower suddenly disappeared as a giant snake was kicked into by an equally large toad smoking a pipe. Soon after a really big slug joined the fray-to say nothing of fourteen ninjas plus the six in black cloaks with red clouds (all six of Nagato's alternate bodies were present) on them darting about the fray. "See!" Naruto pointed at the battle. "That doesn't make sense on so many levels! Most of those guys are already dead! "

**So how do explain this? Making this battle even grander whatever reason the false god intended? **the demon-fox-that-wasn't-really-a-demon asked, examining one of the nine strands of her hair and contrasting the mentally its texture to her faux-chakra-fur that it normally had in its/her demon form.

"I think my refusal to comply with the 'plan' is causing this reality to unravel at the seams," Naruto hedged, not even surprised as every other hokage in the world appeared and joined the battle-including one whose head seemed to simply be a giant stereotypical smiley face. "All that's missing are the-there they are," Naruto said deadpan as the eight other tailed beasts joined in the battle royale.

Naruto and the woman that lived inside of him watched the battle with the same interest that a person might watch an orphan burning: they were fascinated in such a manner where they could not turn away.

**Who do you think would win?** the Nine-Tails asked in curiosity, scratching behind her head with its hand.

"Can't say since the normal laws of common sense don't apply anymore," Naruto said, not even going to dignify this reality with an attempt at rationalization-he felt that it would offend logic. "And can you pick a pronoun and stick with it?" he asked in annoyance. "This 'it' and 'her' thing is annoying me," he complained. "Same thing with the 'human-fox-woman' deal, too."

**Fine**, the Nine-Tails complied, folding _her_ arms beneath her breasts. But before she could continue everything stopped.

There was no battle, there was no Konoha-there was no reality as either Naruto or the Nine-Tails had known it. Now all that existed was an infinite expanse of space populated a series of ones and zeroes that flashed by faster than lighting.

**What happened?**

Naruto blinked, staring around. "I think I broke reality," he said, though not really, as there was no air in which for sound to exist.

**Well done**, the vixen congratulated. **Now what happens, dumbsss?**


	3. Crying Gods and Cyberspace

"I destroyed the world," Naruto said to himself, staring into the infinite expanse of white, with symbols that looked like ovals and straight lines with hooks on them (which, had he even heard of, let alone spoken or read the English language, he would know to be the numbers one and zero.)

"While I must congratulate you on the scale of your destruction, I'm still going to kill you for doing so," a female voice spoke from behind, causing the ninja to jump around in shock.

"Oh," Naruto said, his heart beating a mile a minute. "It's just you-and you're still naked, I see," he observed. "Fantastic. At least you're still not touching yourself," Naruto said, thanking someone (because he refused to thank the false god for any kind of favor.) "Now I have nothing left to live in once I eventually become free from that seal of yours," she informed him.

"I still don't understand what that means," the dark-haired woman said, her face looking confused-and Naruto nearly had a stroke when, for the briefest instance, her human form was replaced with its natural animalistic one.

"You don't need to," Naruto told her, "Just know that it creeps me out, and don't do it," he told her.

"You really don't understand how this works do you," the fox replied, folding her arms across her breasts. "That only gives me more reason to do so; you seem to be forgetting that I don't owe you any kind of favors."

Naruto chose not to reply, knowing it would be a losing battle, instead he reached out and curiously touched a passing strand of ethereal symbols.

He wasn't quite sure what happened, but when he awoke, he was flat on his back, in severe pain, and the damn fox was laughing her ass off.

"You stupid bastard!" the fox cried, clutching her ribs. "You flew a few good meters, smoking and twitching!" She continued laughing, her face twisting in slight discomfort. "This is unpleasant; why does this hurt?" she asked through gasps of air as she still laughed, despite the pain in her abdomen.

"You might not have a real body, but you're still bound to the rules of being human-and humans need to breathe," Naruto grumbled, getting up and casting a quick glance over himself to see that it was, indeed, as the fox-turned-woman actually said: his clothing was smoking, and he appeared to have a small fire on his right shoulder.

Patting out the fire before it could touch his hair, Naruto got up despite the pain in his limbs and looked around.

"Hey, fox-bitch," ignoring the growl (or as best as someone could growl while still laughing,) "Where'd the green symbols of floating agony go?" he asked, warily looking around, afraid that they were waiting to ambush him and cause him more pain.

Now finally seeming to get her laughter under some form of control, the woman breathed heavily, causing her breasts to rise and fall in a very distracting manner.

_She's not really a woman,_ Naruto thought severly, averting his eyes. _She's a giant fox that would happily eat your spleen. She is _not_ a woman!_ Naruto thought , averting his eyes from the nude female.

"Why are you thinking that over and over?" the Nine-Tails asked, raising an eyebrow at the teen. "You yourself established that fact-why are you reminding yourself over and over of it?"  
_Crap! I forgot she can hear my thoughts!_ Naruto cursed to himself, and then his eyes widened as he realized. _Crap! She heard that too! Crap!_

The woman just shook her head, scratching at her arms with her pointed fingernails. "Anyway, after you so foolishly touched the symbols, they are started going crazy and then vanished," she explained.

Naruto looked around at the now completely empty expanse of white and worried as to what that could mean. He was trying to ignore the fact that everyone that he knew and cared for was essentially dead-by his hand no less.

"Oh, well," he shrugged. "I already destroyed the world before that. Can't get much worse than that," he figured.

_Fourth Wall_

** The man came back from making his ham and cheese sandwich, and blinked in bewilderment as he logged onto his account.**

** "What the hell?" he wondered, taking a bite of his lunch. Quickly viewing the stories page, he loaded up the latest chapter that he latest chapter that he had so lovingly written the night before-he thought that having all the souls of the kages that had ever died enter Naruto's body and give him their collective power was awesome!-only to find line after line of block-shaped characters and ones and zeroes.**

** Frowning, the Author reloaded his web browser's page, only to have a small heart attack when the word count of his story went from 100k + of pure awesome sauce gold to only a barely over a thousand as dozens of chapters deleted themselves.**

** "No! No no no no no!" said, dropping his sandwich to the floor and checking to see that this nightmare was not truly happening. Then he stopped. His story becoming corrupted wasn't a problem; he could re-upload the original documents he had stored so lovingly on his hard drive.**

** Happily clicking on the folder labeled, "Awsomeness" on his desktop, the Author's smile fell when he found it to be empty except for the prologue chapter.**

** The Author then checked to make sure his siblings and parents were not around, and the Author then did, indeed, cry like a little bitch.**

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto and the fox had been walking (just walking, since there no longer existed anywhere to walk _to_) each thinking to his and herself.

The fox was wondering if she was still sealed within the brat, and if she could kill him at this moment without killing herself.

Naruto was wondering, first and foremost, if he would ever eat ramen again. After that, he was confused on how the fox could be walking besides him, but passed it off as a side effect of the his will and the false god's powers clashing.

"How am I even out of the seal, brat?" the fox asked suddenly.

Naruto would have given her a confused look, but recalled that she was quite naked. "Why are you asking me?" he shot back. "How should I know?"

The fox shrugged-and interesting gesture, now that she had a pair of shoulders with which to shrug. "Reality has descended into chaos," she said. "You're attempts at rationalizing it are as good as any other," she said.

Naruto had to admit that she had a point. "Okay, if I had to hazard a guess, I would say it's the lack of the Shinigami," he hazarded.

"Lack? You mean he's dead?" The demon fox asked in disbelief. "He is _death_, how can death itself die?" she asked in an inadvertently profound fashion.

"Death is the end of life," Naruto pointed out. "Reality is gone; there is nothing left alive to die-so death no longer exists," he informed the woman.

"You're still here, aren't you?" The fox said sarcastically.

"Naruto opened his mouth to argue, then closed it and frowned, not willing to admit that his female companion was right.

"Then I guess the seal's contract no longer applies since I think we're outside of reality."

The woman turned to himself and grinned savagely, flashing teeth that were sharper than a human's should be-and even though said teeth were no longer individually bigger than his entire body, Naruto still felt a chill slide down his spine at the expression.

"If that's true, I could kill right now, could I not?" she asked, approaching him in a menacing fashion.

The blonde ninja gulped in apprehension, but kept his expression stoic-though he was secretly wondering if chakra still worked in this strange not-world. "You could," Naruto offered nodding. "But are sure you want to take that chance?" he asked the demon-woman. "I mean, maybe you're all out, and the only thing keeping you in that form is my will," he shrugged. "But also, it could be that only your consciousness is out of the seal, and your foxy form and powers are still in me. If you killed me, I might be dead, but you might then be stuck as a human woman in this empty world we're now in. Or, alternatively, you might simply vanish. What if it's only my awareness of the false god-and your connection to me via the seal-that is keeping you vanishing like all the rest of reality did?"

Naruto looked the woman straight in the eye, trying to grab a kunai from one of the pouches on his person without her taking notice of the action.

"I guess it all depends on how lucky you feel," he offered. "I mean, you are really a fox, right? You guys-I'm sorry, guys and girls," he corrected, "are supposed to be pretty sly. So, are you willing to take that chance?"

The Nine-Tails frowned severely at him-how she would love to kill at the moment, simply on the principal that he was her jailor, but one did not live as long as she did by taking risks. So instead, she flashed him a wider grin, ran her tongue over lips in a hungry fashion, and simply settled for trailing her fingernails that weren't quite claws over one cheek; she smiled when he shuddered.

Turning, her attention was caught by what appeared to be a whole floating in the air.

"What's that?" she wondered, waving a hand at the anomaly.

Above it, was the series of symbols: "Reviews."

_Fourth Wall_

**The Author sat on his bed, still crying like a little bitch-put now he had one thumb in his mouth and he was rocking slowly back and forth.**

_Forth Wall_

Naruto and the Nine-Tails stared through the hole in the space-time fabric and saw lines of symbols, and noticed that the symbols above the hole were repeated in varying frequenting and order among other new symbols.

"I think it's writing," the fox guessed, gazing at one grouping of foreign language:

**FlareXD**

**This is awesome!******

**A monkey flies on what appeared to be a frying pan overhead as the ocean behind it somehow catches ablaze... bananas began to rain down while still on fire...******

**This story is still awesome!**

Another series of line of unknown language:

**FiveLies**

**God, I broke down laughing so much that I nearly suffocated. That was really, really hilarious, not to mention ingenious. Can't wait to read more.**

"What does it say?" Naruto asked, squinting at some of the symbols as if they would magically make sense if he did so long enough and with enough concentration.

"How the hell should I have any idea?" the fox demanded. "I'm a force of nature most of the time; writing is a human concept. I can't even read Japanese!" she said.

"Really?" Naruto looked at her in confusion-making certain to keep his eyes above her neck. He would either have to discard his sense of modesty or find a way to get her some clothing, because this constant blushing and embarrassment was getting really old really fast.

The Nine-Tails gave him a look that suggested that she thought he was a drooling imbecile. "What part of ancient force of sentient chaos are you failing to comprehend?" she asked him in a very slow manner, making sure to enunciate her words carefully so that they registered within his brain.

"Okay, okay! No need to bite my head off!" the ninja defended himself.

"There's nothing I'd love to do more than bite your head off, brat, if I felt I could away with it without suffering in some manner," she reminded him.

"We have such lovely conservations," Naruto quickly returned. "Why don't we do this more often?" he asked, smiling sickly-sweet at the woman. She was snorted and returned to looking at the strange symbols.

Naruto's attention was quickly diverted, as he saw something out of the corner of his eye. Slapping the back of one hand lightly against the flesh of his partner's upper arm, he pointed at what he saw.

A doorway, and on it, the same strange symbols they had seen before, though in a different arrangement: "Prologue"


	4. OCs and the Birds and Bees

Author's Note: Okay, now we get into the story proper, with the last three chapters serving as sort of an elongated prologue.

Enjoy.

Chapter 04: Of Mary Sues and the Birds and the Bees

**"Delete my masterpiece will you," the Author glared at his PC. "Fine . . ." he hissed, his lips curling. "Go ahead, I can rewrite it—in fact, I'll make it better! I shall write the most reviewed story this site has ever seen!" he declared, sitting in his chair, cracking his knuckles, and laying his fingers upon the keys**

** With great resolution, he placed the cursor of his mouse of over the document labeled "!" and opened it—ready to begin anew.**

** He stopped and stared in wilderment. "What the fuck!" he swore in bafflement.**

_Fourth Wall_

{_**Naruto awoke excitted four this day! For today was the his very first stepp to becuming Hokage! Yes! he was entering the Academy today!}**_

"Like hell I am," Naruto grumbled, hearing a mechanical voice in his head. He frowned; some of those words didn't sound exactly right, like some of the words were mispronounced. "Wonderful, he grumbled—my fate is being controlled by an illiterate," he grumbled, getting out of bed—only to fall flat upon his face as severely misjudged the height.

Laying upon the floor of his apartment, Naruto thought dark thoughts of murder and revenge, and contemplated how one goes about killing a false god. Perhaps he could learn how to summon the Shinigami? Would that work?

He looked at his hands—far too small to belong to a teenager of sixteen years. Knowing it was true, but hoping—praying to the false god whom he knew for a fact was an uncaring, idiot bastard—that, by some chance, it would not, he moved to the closet mirror in his apartment.

He stared at the reflection of his ten-year old self. "I am going to find some way to make him suffer I swear!" Naruto vowed to himself. "I don't know how—but the false god will indeed suffer greatly by my hands."

**Oh, boo hoo!** the fox sneered from within his mind. **I've turned back into a prepubescent little brat! Woe is me!**__she mocked him.

"I would appreciate some support in this situation," Naruto groused, glaring at the counter that he now could no longer see above. "You've been dragged along on this merry little trip back through time, as well, you know."

**Yes, but it doesn't concern me, now does it, Naruto-kin!** the fox cooed. **Aww! Is the widdle boy going to cry? Does he need a hug from his favorite demon fox?** she mocked.

Naruto thought several unflattering things about where she could take her hugs and put them.

**I am still unfamiliar with human anatomy,** the woman reminded him, looking down at her arms and rotating them about at her shoulders. **Is that possible for humans?** she asked, curiosity winning over her as she tried to bend her spine in an attempt to move her arms in the manner he described, so as to hug her posterior.

Naruto slapped a hand against his face—or tried to, instead meeting with an obstruction. Groping at the obstacle, he ripped it off his head and stared at it in confusion. "I forgot I wore these," he mumbled, looking at the pair of goggles that he had not seen in years.

"Okay," he decided, "I'm going to the library," he decided, heading towards the door.

**I thought you had to be at the academy?** the fox asked.

"I told you: no way in Hell I am going to listen to some two-bit hack job of a god on how to live my life!" he reminded her, slamming the door shut behind him.

_Fourth Wall_

**The Author, happy with the paragraphs that he had written, was busily making himself an ice cream sundae, having dropped his sandwich on the floor for far past the five-second rule. He was quite pleased with what he had written so far, and he couldn't wait for the reviews of love and adoration to pour in from his loyal fans on how awesome the love interest he had created for Naruto was!**

** Yes, he thought to himself as placed a cherry atop a mountain of whip cream, this story was going to be much better than his old one—he could just tell.**

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto walked through the streets of Konoha, his fists shoved into his coat, a bit disturbed by the people around him. The hateful glares of the villagers had decreased when he had graduated, and it was even more compounded by the fact that all these hateful individuals were now giants compared to him.

Gritting his teeth, Naruto continued towards his destination.

"HELLO GOOD PEOPLE OF KONOHA!" a piercing voice shrieked, and Naruto stopped in his track, cringing at the sound. He searched for the person who dared to defile his eardrums in such a manner, and promptly wished he hadn't when he found said person.

"MY NAME IS SHADOW-RAVEN NINJA McBADASS BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME MARIE-SU! AND I AM LOOKING FOR A FRIEND!" a young girl spoke—Naruto thought at first that she was screeching, but concluded that, that was her normal voice. She had long black hair with blue and red stripes running through it, and her eyes seemed to be completely white with what appeared to be a perverted version of the Sharingan on them. She wore a blinding Technicolor robe that made Naruto want to stab his eyes out—and his favorite color was bright orange!

I a sane world, Naruto would have been convinced that the girl's existence was proof that God did not exist; but sadly, he knew that the opposite held true in this reality that was quickly becoming his own personal Hell. There was no doubt in his mind that this young woman was an excrement that had seeped out of the False God's demented brain.

And he would have no part of it.

Stepping into an alley, Naruto held his breath as he watched the abomination pass; she was twirling . . . something . . .. The weapon she held might have been a nunchaku, but at one end was a katana with a seven-foot blade, and at the other end was a scythe with a five-foot curved crimson blade.

Naruto found himself hoping that she cut herself in two, as all laws of physics said she should have, twirling such a weapon about as she was. Unfortunately, it seems that the laws of physics had forsaken, along with common sense.

**Now that's not very nice, brat,** the fox snickered. **She wants to be your friend!**

"You will shut your filthy mouth, or I will find a way to shut it for you!" Naruto demanded in the most silent of whispers, daring not draw the attention from the she-fiend of many colors.

"I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS LONELY LIKE I AM—PREFERABLY WIHT BLOND HARE! SURELY WE WILL FORGE A DEEP LASTING FRIENDSHIP THAT DEFIES EVEN DEAF ITSELF AND OUR LOVE WILL BE LEGENDERY AND OUR CHILDREN WILL BE LOVED AMONG ALL THE NATIONS!" Miss Raven Ninja McBadass spoke to the streets, her words strangely slurred and possessing a lisp at times.

Naruto ran from the alley as quietly as could, contemplating the benefits of becoming an eunuch.

_Fourth Wall_

**"Brain freeze!" the Author yelled to the air, pounding the table with his fist as his head offered only ice-cream induced agony.**

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto arrived at the library, though not quite shore how he had gotten there—or why he was clad only in his boxers.

**You abandoned those orange eyesores you called clothing about halfway. You were in blind panic at the time; you thought that the Su chick would spot your clothing and follow you,** the fox helpfully informed the half-naked ninja that wasn't quite a ninja yet.

Naruto felt a profound wave of relief wash over him. "Thank Kyuubi!" he breathed out; he had feared that the obnoxious child (hereby thought of as "OC" for short) had gotten a hold of and done unthinkable things to him.

**Why the hell are you thanking me?** the fox demanded, genuinely bewildered at the thanks.

"I refuse to thank the False God," Naruto said. "And you're the only other god-like being that I know of—well, besides the Shinigami, I guess," he said with a shrug; he did not want to be calling attention from the god of death.

**Have you forgotten that I want to kill you and everyone that you love?** the woman in his head reminded him.

"Exactly," Naruto nodded. "I know where I stand you! You just to kill me in a horrible and gruesome manner," he said with a smile, crossing his arms over his chest. "The False God, on the other hand, seems to have made it his goal in life to make mine a living hell."

The woman in the seal was silent as she tried to wrap her mind around this strange logic that she had just been presented.

"Although," Naruto mused, looking down at his nearly nude form and frowning, "this does make it _really_ awkward to look up what I came for," he said with a sigh, but nonetheless headed out among the rows of books.

**And that would be?** the Nine-Tails asked, but Naruto did not answer her and instead browsed the scrolls. Finding the correct section, he looked at what titles he could find from his diminished stature, and then went off to find a ladder, grumbling. When he returned, his glaze slid over the titles on the higher shelves.

"_Everybody Poops . . . Where do Babies Come From? . . . I Stick my What Where!" _he browsed the titles, then let out an exclamation of triumph, grabbling a book and hopping off the ladder. He then ran into a shadowed corner that nonetheless offered enough light to read by.

"Now, then fox, pay close attention, because this is the only time I am going to do this, got it!" he demanded, and opened the book entitled "Puberty and You."

_Fourth Wall_

** The Almighty Author returned from his frozen treat, quite pleased with his ice cream. Still enjoying his post-ice cream bliss, he sat down once more and prepared himself to resume typing. Then his smile disappeared.**

** "I didn't type this!" the Author raged. "Where are Naruto and Raven's meeting and instant declarations of love!" he complained, scanning the text that had appeared in his story. "Bob!" he yelled at his younger sibling, getting out of his chair to hunt the younger boy down and exact his revenge. "What have I told you about touching my computer!"**

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto was now feeling slightly ill, having learned in-depth more about woman than he had ever cared to know.

**So that's what these things are for,** the Nine-Tails wondered, grabbing at her breasts and squeezing them. She frowned at them and squeezed again. **Nothing is coming out!** she said. **The book said that milk comes out.**

Naruto swallowed his nausea, only able to guess what she was currently doing. "That only happens when you females get pregnant," he reminded her.

**Ah yes!** The Nine-Tails recalled, finally stopping the molestation of her chest. **That's where a tiny version of you humans grows inside of the stomach, right?** the woman asked, poking at own stomach.

"The uterus, actually," Naruto corrected, recalling the anatomical term he had just read.

**And to get there, the thing that look likes a third leg but isn't, becomes hard and then you stick in the hole between my legs, right?** the fox-turned-human seemed fascinated by the concept and was staring at the space between her own legs as if it offered all the secrets of the universe.

Naruto dearly wished she would stop using herself and he in reference to the examples, as he was getting really disturbing mental images of himself being squashed by a giant, horny fox.

Naruto felt a migraine coming on; this conversation was physically painful. "A p-penis," he stuttered, blushing madly. "It's not a leg—it's a penis!" he corrected her. How had this happened again, he wondered? Ah yes, he didn't want to have to explain the fox's new body to her, so he figured it would just be easier to have read a book on the subject.

Naruto then decided that he was a colossal dumbass of epic proportions.

**Do not raise your voice to me, you brat!** the woman roared, her attention finally taken from the orifice between her legs. **Do not forget who you speak to!**

Naruto and the fox where silent for a good while then; one wondering what deity he could thank for ending the conversation, and the other pouting—though she would never admit it.

**What does it look like?** the Nine-Tails asked; Naruto promptly withdrew his thanks from any potential deity and resolved that they were all bastards.

"What does what look like?" Naruto said in a longsuffering tone, hanging his head.

**A penis**, the Nine-Tails asked so casually that she caused the blonde to choke on his own spit. **Hey!** she realized, **can I see yours?** she asked.

This was not happening, Naruto thought to himself in sweet, comforting denial. "No you cannot!" Naruto yelled out, no longer caring about someone finding him half-naked and talking to himself in the library!

**Why not!** the newly human woman demanded. **You're already half naked anyway!**

"I am not showing you my package, you demented woman!" Naruto said. "There will be no negation!"

**Fine!** the demon hissed at him. **Anyway, how does the baby get in the woman's stomach?** it pressed on. Why wouldn't she shut up, Naruto wondered. **Does it pass through the penis and into the stomach?**

There was no verbal answer, only a dull thumping noise as Naruto hit himself over the head with the textbook on puberty in the hopes that he might get a concussion and not remember this conversation.

**No,** the fox was undeterred by his lack of answers, recalling what she had read. **Something comes out of the penis and something with eggs . . .** she contemplated, and then stopped. **Wait! Does that mean I would lay an egg like a chicken?** she asked.

"It's not that kind of egg," Naruto answered, mentally making a checklist of things he needed to buy soon: milk, instant ramen, a gallon of bleach, and Q-tips—oh so much bleach and Q-tips.

**So how does it get out? Does it rip its way out through the stomach with its claws and fangs?** the fox seemed excited at the prospect of such carnage.

"We don't have claws or fangs," Naruto reminded her in a dull tone—at this point, his soul had committed suicide to give his sanity some company in the afterlife.

**When then how does it get out?**

"Through the . . . the hole," Naruto stuttered.

**What? But doesn't it get big in the stomach?** the fox demanded.

"Yes . . ."

If Naruto imagined that the Nine-Tails was now staring between her legs in bafflement, he would be right. **You can't mean to tell me it goes out through the hole!** she demanded shrilly! **I thought you and the book said that's how the baby got in.**

"It's a round-way trip!" Naruto said, a rather impressive tic having developed in one of his eyes.

**So the tiny human squeezes out through the hole no bigger than my fist?** the fox demanded, and Naruto quite resolutely was not thinking about what she might be doing to her body at the moment.

**That seems wildly inefficient!** she declared, crossing her arms over her breasts.

Naruto said nothing—there was nothing more he could say in this conversation, really. Instead, he simply got up, replaced the text back in its place upon the shelf, and resolved to go find Kurenai to see if she could erase his memories somehow.

**What's the hair between my legs for, then?** the vixen asked, and Naruto decided that words had not yet been invented to describe how much he hated the Nine-Tailed Fox at that moment.

"Decoration!" Naruto spat sarcastically.

The demon fox was nodding her head to herself in satisfaction; that made sense, she thought.

Suddenly the thoughts of suicide he had been contemplating vanished when someone kicked the doors of the library open, and a dreaded voice filled the air.

"I AM LOOKING FOR A FREIND!"

Naruto began panicking, looking for a route to escape.

**Will you show her your penis?** the Nine-Tails asked in curiosity and with some hope, having not yet dropped the subject.


	5. Troublesome Streakers and Snakes

Author's Note: Some reviews have been calling for lemons . . . I am not quite sure how to react to this. I have nothing against a lemon—written correctly they can add an entirely no emotional depth to a story or its characters, to be sure–it simply that I have never written a lemon before.

As it stands, Naruto is currently only ten years of age, so I will be avoiding anything too overtly sexual occurring in regards to him, for obvious reasons. But I have faith that the Lords of Chaos and Insanity shall soon see fit to grace me the answer to this plight.

I must now go pray to almighty Cthulu and the other Old Ones for their inspiration—it is they who craft this tell, I am just the pen.

_Fourth Wall_

So gripped with fear was the young child, that Naruto did not even register the fox's question about his genitalia. His only concern at that moment was the rainbow-colored travesty currently twirling around a weapon that shouldn't even work, let alone be possible to wield without grievously injuring both the owner and those around him or her.

"How did she find me!" Naruto squeaked, his eyes wide as he heard the unholy banshee-like shriek that was Ms. Marie-Su's voice.

The Nine-Tails offered no explanation, nor could she, at the moment, as she was too busy attempting to laugh herself into a coma, it seemed.

"You're a big help!" Naruto hissed at the occupant that resided in his seal—mind? He honestly wasn't sure how the logistics of the seal and his mental representation worked, as the two seemed interchangeable based upon the whims of the False God (whom he knew for a fact was insane.)

"WE WILL HAVE MANY CHILDRENS AND THEY WILL ALL HAV YOU'RE WHISKERS AND OUR TRU-LUV WILL B ETERNAL!" the woman who could only have come from Naruto's nightmares declared. She didn't quite seem to grasp the fact that you weren't supposed to be yelling in a library—then again, she wasn't technically yelling, as that unholy nails-on-whetstone screech was her normal voice.

"Focus!" Naruto hissed, his blood turning chill in his veins as he heard her walk through walk by a few stacks over; the sound of her footsteps and the whirling of her katana-scythe-chaku reminded him so the lid of a coffin being slammed shut and sealed. Though, the sound shredding paper as she massacred all the books while twirling said weapon didn't remind him of anything, save of how stupid she must be.

Really, if the woman didn't scare the living shit of him, Naruto would have pitied her for having being created by the False God (something for which she was blameless.)

"THERE YOU ARE! " She yelled out, and Naruto found herself wondering how she found him. He really shouldn't have, as this reality was strangely literal and the answer was quite conveniently provided to him a few moments later. "MY SPECIAL I'S LET ME SEA CHACRA AS WELL AS COPYING ANY JUTSU—E VEN OTHER BLOD LINES! THEY CAN ALSO SEE THRU SOLID THINGS! I WILL GALDLY GIVE THEM TO MY FREINDS—BUTT ONLY TRU LUV'S KISS CANN SHARE MY POWERS! FOR I AM THE LAST OF MY KLAN!" Miss Exposition announced in her slurred, lisping speech.

"That is not how bloodlines work!" Naruto protested to the air. "That doesn't even make any sense! Your eyes don't even make sense! " Naruto told her, cursing the False God for putting him in his weak, untrained body of ten years.

A sudden crash filled his ears.

**I think she decided to take the shortest route to you and is simply knocking over the shelves**, the Nine Tails observed. **You're pretty much screwed**, she pointed out to her container with far too much cheerfulness.

Naruto ran like a bat out of hell as Shadow-Raven Ninja McBadass knocked down shelves like the Kool-Aid Man.

**Who is the Kook-Aid Man?** the Nine-Tails wondered aloud, but got no answer .

_Fourth Wall_

Shikamaru stalked through the rows of the Konoha public library; he was quite confused on why he was currently here instead of attending his first day of Academy. When his mother found out he skipped, she would yell at him for hours, and that was very troublesome.

Regardless, for some reason he couldn't explain he felt compelled—as if by some unknown force—to be in this place at this moment.

Then he heard the sound of a woman screaming and made a vow never to meet her; woman in general were troublesome, but whomever owned that shrill voice was a level of troublesomeness that he had never before encountered.

Then the sound of shelves falling filled the air, and he turned around on his heel and began to stalk to the exit, wanting no part in whatever insanity had infested the normally peaceful place of knowledge.

Sadly, he never got there.

Before he could even wrap his mind around why the Uzumaki kid was running through the library in only his boxers, he was grabbed by either shoulder by the blonde child. Shikamaru was more than a little fearful of the crazed expression on the other youth's face (and the fact that Naruto was basically naked did nothing to comfort him.)

"Shikamaru, old buddy!" Naruto greeted the lazy child, grinning at him in such a way that Shikamaru was already covertly reaching for one of his practice kunai that he had brought to take with him to Academy. "How would you like to make a new friend?" Naruto asked, and before the other boy could answer, he was shoved towards the sound of falling shelves.

"Hey, Marie-Su!" Naruto yelled out. "I found you a friend!" Naruto yelled out, and then ran as if his life depended on it.

Before Shikamaru could recover, a giant seven-foot blade cut a section out of the shelf directly in front of him. From the new hole emerged a demon that he could only be described as his worst nightmares distilled into physical form—and even then, that description did not quite do what he was staring at justice.

Shikamaru stared at the crazed expression on the white-haired woman's face, and thought only of how much he hated Naruto Uzumaki. In another corner of his mind, he was trying to come up with a phrase better than "troublesome" to adequately describe future incidents such as this.

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto had great respect for Shikamaru; in the reality that he had accidentally destroyed, the young genius and he were rather good friends. Of course, that did not stop the Uzumaki youth from throwing the Nara boy to the wolves.

Bros before hoes, be damned! He had thrown his bro before a ho, so technically it could be argued that he had followed the rule to the exact letter. And Naruto was perfectly fine accepting that logic to ease his conscious.

**He didn't deserve that**, the Nine-Tails pointed out, as Naruto barreled through the doors of the library and into the light of day outside, heedless of the strange looks and hostile stares that one who goes running in his or her undergarments usually receive in public.

"It was him or me," Naruto replied. "Besides, I think I just helped him get laid," he reasoned.

**What does "laid" mean?**

Oh. Hell. No! Naruto was not bringing up conversations of anatomy once more with a sentient-force-of-nature and destruction that had far too large of a fascination with his penis for him to comfortable.

"I am going to find Sai and I am going to find some way to introduce the two of you, and then you two can have many wonderful phallic conversations and leave me out of them," Naruto grumbled. The fox scowled as he kept using words that she didn't know, but then tried to recall the boy's former teammate, Sai, from the previous reality.

**Oh!** she remembered, recalling a ninja who used paint or ink or some such thing. **He was quite interested in your penis, as well, wasn't he?** the fox asked, and then the metaphorical yen piece dropped. **Wait, does that mean that getting laid involves this "sex" thing that leads to pregnancy? Why didn't stay! We could have watched.**

Naruto really felt that he should have been more used to the never ending spiral of insanity and chaos that his life had descended into, but reality kept finding new ways of disturbing him. Now—though why he was surprised by this, he wasn't truly certain—the demon that lived in his stomach was a voyeur.

Fantastic.

"There is no way I am watching a freak-of-nature abomination and a prepubescent boy having sex in a library!" Naruto felt that he really shouldn't have to point out such a fact, yet he did. He also thought of making it a priority of finding the nearest source of information on the subject and introducing the Nine-Tails to the concept of pedophilia and why exactly it was frowned upon.

Come to think of it, he could always try to find Orochimaru—he seemed to be into that sort of thing if the hicky of doom he had given Sasuke had been any indication. Barring that, he supposed he could always search out Anko, since she had been the S-class missing ninja's apprentice once upon a time, and probably knew way more than she ever cared to on the subject by the merit of being snake face's student, alone.

"And where the hell are you running off to, brat! Aren't you supposed to be in class?" the voice of the very woman he had just been thinking about spoke out. Naruto didn't want to look, because he knew that if he did, he would see one Mitarashi Anko, probably eating a stick of dango.

And sure enough, the trench coat clad kunoichi was standing in the road before, happily eating multi-colored dumplings off a wooden skewer and staring down at him in something that approached amusement.

Speak of the devil and it shall appear; Naruto had to remember how damn literal this reality was!

"Any particular reason you're not in class, brat?" the snake summoning woman asked, rising a brow down at him. "Not that I care one way or another," she shrugged. "Better yet, why are you naked?" she asked in curiosity.

Naruto blushed, finding his eyes drawn to her chest, clad in little more than a fishnet shirt and her coat. Having the mind of a teenager in a body that had not yet entered puberty was hell, he decided. It did not make the situation any easier that every woman he met seemed hell-bent on exposing themselves to him in some form or another.

"Lice you're one to talk!" Naruto barked at her, though this only seemed to amuse the former apprentice of Orochimaru.

Anko smirked at the child; so he had noticed had he? She decided she would have some fun with the little brat for his cheek! "You can look all you want, but no touching!" she said, bending down so that he chest was about eye level to give the kid a better view of her endowments. Look! Look! He was blushing! How amusing, she thought to herself, snickering.

"Do the phrases 'exposing yourself to a minor' and 'pedophilia' mean nothing to you,?" Naruto scowled, all the while wishing he would stop blushing so damn much!

**Her breasts!** the Nine-Tails exclaimed so suddenly that it nearly made Naruto fall over in shock as he started. Anko looked at him strangely.

First penises, now breasts, Naruto thought in despair. The fox was a raging pervert. _What about them?___he asked in his head. _I seem to recall just reading you a book on that subject._

**They're bigger than mine! I didn't know these things came in sizes!** the fox demanded, and no doubt she once more groping herself—and Naruto was so glad he couldn't actually see her do so.

_What do you mean you didn't know! Do you not remember Tsunade! I saw her on a regular basis, and her chest was bigger than her head—than her head!_

The Nine-Tails pouted, and action that was becoming increasingly easier for her to do so now that she was getting use to a more humanoid existence. **I told you, I was a sentient mass of chakra!** she reminded him. **Humans are beneath my notice—you all looked the same to me**, she admitted.

"Hey, brat!" Anko interrupted his conversation. "If you stare any longer, I'm going to have to charge you!" she yelled, and Naruto started, realizing with great embarrassment that he had been so absorbed in his mental conversation with the demon that was contained within him that he had not given any thought to what he looked like staring off into space—more accurately, the space between Anko's breasts no more than a foot from his face, still at eye level.

"I . . . I," Naruto sputtered, searching for a suitable excuse to give the woman, since he didn't think the truth that the demon within had turned into a genitalia-obsessed human woman would quite go over so well. At that matter, so many things about his current situation were so strange, that him being clad only in his undergarments was the least of them.

And that just proved how much he hated his life currently.

"I got distracted," Naruto offered lamely, giving up on trying to formulate any kind of excuse. He shrugged his shoulders.

"Perfectly fine," Anko assured the child with a cheerful smile that reminded Naruto of sharp objects and the promise of interesting—and unpleasant—things. "Many a men have gotten distracted by the splendor of the twins," she assured him, and then proceeded to cup her breasts in her palms to illustrate her point.

Damn it, how Naruto wished the woman her met would stop groping themselves. Was that really too much to ask? Apparently so, it seemed. He also wished that the damn fox would stop grumbling about Anko being "**bigger than me**" and that she was "**the great and fearsome Nine-Tails, damn it! How dare that snake woman out do her . . .**"

Naruto felt that the Nine-Tails was becoming a bit too comfortable with her new gender, let alone humanity.

"Sadly for you," Anko said, pinching a one of Naruto's cheeks that still had baby fat on it. "You're way too young for me, kid." But then she offered him a great kindness (at least, in her mind) with the next sentence. "Maybe if you're a good boy I might consider playing with you once your balls drop!" she said casually—far too casually, Naruto felt, for a grown woman to be discussing such thing with a child (a stranger at that) who had not yet entered puberty.

_Mitarashi Anko_, Naruto thought dryly to himself, _educating your children in sex since—hell if I know what year she started_. That thought had been a lot wittier before he had executed it.

"Doesn't mean I'll let you get away with calling me a pedophile, though brat," Anko informed him, still smiling cheerfully at the blonde child, and Naruto felt a chill go down his spine. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself being abducted by the insane half-naked woman.

"I thought you said I should be in class!" Naruto protested, not bothering to try to squirm out of her grasp, as if he knew it would be futile to attempt to do so.

"That was before you insinuated that I liked little children," Anko informed, scowling darkly; she got enough comparison to her former teacher, she did not need another rumor starting, damn it!

Naruto simply let out a sigh, finding it best to simply accept the situation for what it was. It was, after all better than being caught by the Technicolor abomination from the black abyss, he thought.

_Fourth Wall_

Within the seal, the Nine-Tailed Fox was staring at her stomach in contemplation, and placed a hand over it. That book had given her ideas, oh yes. This thing called "reproduction" fascinated her! To make another creature that was half of you and half of someone else . . .

She was the Nine-Tailed Fox! So, it stood to reason that any of her "children" would have at least four-and-half tails of chakra. And even better, she would make as many as she wanted! That's not even counting twins or triplets.

An evil smile spread itself across the demon's lips and her nine strands f hair swayed about independently of any source of wind. Perhaps these humans weren't so useless after all.


	6. Of Sharp Things & Clean White Coats

Naruto stared at the blurring scenery with dull interest, and he had long since gotten use to the sensation of Anko's naked navel pressing against his own bare back.

"Mitarashi," he spoke calmly, as if he hadn't been abducted by a woman whom was bat-shit crazy and being spirited off to only the False God knows where—and the fact was, only he or she did know, "where are you taking me?" he asked in the same tone one uses when deciding between two different flavors of tea.

The three-fourths-naked (because, really, the coat and fishnet shirt just barely managed to keep her from qualifying as "half-naked") stopped, a bemused expression coming over her features. "I . . . I'm not sure," she said, sounding baffled. "I'm not really sure why I grabbed you in the first place . . . or what I was doing going to the library, for that matter!"

"Let me guess," Naruto asked helpfully, "it was as if you felt compelled there. Like some higher power directed you to go that library," he said with a complete lack of enthusiasm in his words.

"Yeah . . ." Anko stared down at the head of blonde hair, her eyes narrowed. "I suppose that sounds about right, brat. But how did you know?" she asked suspiciously.

"Just call it a gut instinct," he excused his intuition, and then realized something. Speaking of his gut—or, rather, the area around it—the damn fox had been unnaturally silent on the matter of his abduction. Normally he wouldn't question this small blessing, but given her recent fascination with human reproduction (a fact that still made his skin crawl), he found it more than strange that she wasn't mocking him for being abducted by a less than fully-clothed kunoichi that many ninja in Konoha considered to be a sexpot.

At the very least she should have made a comment about his penis.

Maybe he was being paranoid—then again, it wasn't paranoia if a malevolent pseudo-deity was out to make your life hell—but he couldn't help the sudden overwhelming sensation of dread that soon slid down his spine; it was as if he had just been told the world was totally and irrevocably doomed and that it was all his fault.

No, nothing good could come of this; Naruto would bet his neon orange, glow-in-the-dark boxers on it.

"Gut instinct, huh?" Anko asked, staring down at the child she still held to her torso in a vice-like grip. "Sorry, kid, but I ain't buying that! You know something—I don't know what, but I'm going to find out!"

"Damn it all," Naruto swore under his breath, hanging his head. At this point, all he wanted to do was go back to his apartment, barricade the door, and pretended that the whole outside world did not exist.

"Hey!" Anko slapped the child upside the head. "Language," she scolded.

Naruto glared up at her, rubbing his injured head. His line of sight was met by the underside of Anko's cleavage; to his surprise, he found himself not blushing at the sight. Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, he supposed—the only woman he had encountered since his little joyous-happy-fun trip back in time were either unholy abominations or woman who seemed to lack any sense of modesty or propriety.

"Really?" he asked, nonetheless diverting his eyes from the female ninja's cleavage, as having the mind of teenager and the prepubescent body of a child sent very confusing and conflicting signals. "You, of all people, are going to lecture me on proper etiquette around children?" he asked.

"Well , I am an adult," Anko shrugged. "I thought I should make some effort," she explained.

"You walk around in clothing that is one strong breeze away from a charge of public indecency," Naruto began to list; "you've kidnapped a minor while you are still dressed in aforementioned state of attire; I know for a fact that curse and drink like a sailor; and I won't even begin to list some of the more outrageous rumors I hear about your conduct," Naruto finished. "Ms. Mitarashi, you are in no place to be acting as a role model to a minor—in any capacity."

Anko scowled at the child and slapped him upside the noggin once more. The kid was right, didn't mean that she had to like the fact, or that she wouldn't take her displeasure out on said child for pointing the fact out.

"I've decided," Anko announced suddenly, "that you've been a naughty boy and need to be punished! I'm taking you home!"

Naruto stiffened, his blue eyes widened as a terror so great that not even if the whole of Akatsuki were before him, it would not be matched. Visions of chains and whips and leather—oh so much leather—suddenly filled his thoughts. The last thing he needed besides being in that situation was for the damn fox to get ideas from it.

"Like hell you are!" Naruto resumed his struggle and even resorted to sinking his teeth into the pale flesh of the arm restraining him.

"Ow! You little shit!" Anko swore at the child, not paying any mind to the fact that she herself had just been scolding and lecturing the child for such language not even thirty seconds prior.

"I don't know you!" Naruto suddenly yelled out, as loud as he could. "You are a stranger! Help! I need an adult!"

Anko just stared at the child, not quite sure how to react to what she had just heard. "Really?" she asked incredulously, not quite believing that she had found herself in this situation.

Naruto just glared darkly at a nearby building, seeing that no one was coming to his aid. "Those after-school specials are full of it," he grumbled to himself darkly.

"I can't believe you actually thought that would work," Anko admitted, still shocked by the surrealism of the situation that she had yet to recall her plans to take the kid back to her place.

"So thrilled to know that the youth of Konoha are easy prey to overweight men with carriages that have 'Free Candy" painted on the side of them," he said, very jaded by the situation. "Don't worry, children, these nice men seem legit; don't be a coward, now! Besides, even if they are rapists and molesters, it won't matter how loud you scream—no one will come to save you anyway! This way, at least, you have the possibility of getting some free candy out of the deal!" Naruto ranted to himself. "People also apparently won't save you from half-naked, insane trench-coat clad woman, for that matter," he dug a barb at his captor.

Anko scowled; that had been a low blow, and she was _fairly_ certain that she hadn't deserved the comment.

"I AM LOOKING 4 A FREIND!" a voice suddenly split into the air, causing the child and the older woman to stop their bickering. Anko turned her head in curiosity, and Naruto went rigid in the woman's grasp.

"What the hell was that?" Anko asked, searching for the source of the noise. She would have dismissed the sound as the being the keel of a wounded animal, but it had clearly spoken words—even if the speech sounded weird and slurred, it was speech nonetheless.

"Nothing," Naruto quickly spoke. "You said we were going to your place?" he asked, tugging incessantly on the older woman's coat. "Come on! Let's go! Don't want to be late for our play date, do we?"

Anko glanced down the child, seeing the look of fear that covered his suddenly pale face. "Do know that person?" she asked, interested as to why the boy seemed to be so scared of the voice's owner when he wasn't afraid of herself.

"Person? What-person?" Naruto asked, his eyes darting about rapidly. "There-is-no-person. Why-would-you-think-there-was-a-person! You're-crazy! Don't-be-crazy! There-is-no-person," he said rapidly as a fearful sweat broke out across his pale skin. "Hey-I-have-an-idea! Let's-be-anywhere-but-right-here! C'mon! Let's-go-let's-go-let's-go!" the boy said, his voice slowly rising in panic until he was a wide-eyed, ball of frayed nerves.

A strangely ominous whirling noise filled the air, and the boy let out a sob.

"I don't care!" he begged the woman. "I'll do anything! You can do whatever the hell you want to me—just don't let _her_ get me!" Naruto begged, staring straight into Anko's eyes.

Anko stared back, her jaw hanging open. What the hell could make a child so afraid? Casting one last look around to try to the find the source of the voice or the strange whirling noise, she shrugged and leapt to a nearby rooftop.

"CUM BACK! I AM LOCKING FORA FRIEND! I WILL LUV U LONG TIME!" a voice yelled out to the retreating woman, and Anko turned to see the source of the voice—and then she ran off as fast as she could.

_Fourth Wall_

One Nara Shikamaru stepped out from the library. His clothes were torn and wrinkled, and blood dripped from both ears. One foot stepped in front of another; he was simply going about the motions of walking as a purely muscular exercise than by any conscious act of doing so.

A blonde-haired girl dressed in dark shades stomped up to him, her face contorted in anger. She planted her hands her hips and began yelling at him—or Shikamaru guessed that she was yelling at him, based off of her expression. All he could see was her mouth moving; he seemed to have gone temporarily deaf—interesting, that, he thought.

Standing there and watching the girl's mouth open and close for a few moments, a small, traumatized corner of the dark-haired youth's brain recalled that he knew this person, but said corner of his brain was ignored.

All that Shikamaru knew was that this person was a _female_, and, as such, he wanted nothing to do with her at current—and any point in the future, for that matter—moment in time.

And she was _blonde. _Blonde—like _Him._

No, Shikamaru wanted nothing to do with this _woman_ who happened to be _blonde_—like _Him_.

Reaching out one had, Shikamaru calmly shoved the girl to one side and resumed his walk, his expression totally serene (that is, if you didn't count the fact that the right side of his face had seemed to have developed a rather disturbing and uncontrollable twitch to it, through no fault of his own.)

Leaving the shocked_ blonde_ behind, Shikamaru put his vast intellect to the process of where he could most easily come into possession of something sharp (preferably rusty, though that would be a bonus) very quickly.

_Fourth Wall_

Anko ran, and she ran _fast_.

"What the flying fuck was that!" she swore. "It was human, right?" she asked, more to herself than the child she still held securely to herself. "At least, it looked human;" a thought occurred to her. "Did one of the snake-bastard's experiments get loose?" she wondered—that would explain what she had seen, at least.

"I wish that thing was simply the result of your teacher," Naruto spoke bitterly. "No," he informed Anko. "Not even the amazing pale-faced pedophile would think of something that demented—and you and I both know how out of his gourd he was!"

"Then what the hell was that!" Anko demanded, not currently caring on how a ten-year-old who had not even entered ninja academy knew of her old teacher, let alone the fact that he had dabbled in some seriously messed up shit.

"I'm not quite sure on that," Naruto told the woman. "All I know is where it came from: the deepest, darkest pits of my nightmares," he said with such certainty that none would argue the conviction.

Anko, still shaken, decided to offer her opinion. "I've seen some messed up shit," she confessed, thinking back to some of the experiments her former teacher had performed. "But until now, I have never doubted the existence of God."

"Oh no," Naruto corrected her in an almost gentle sounding tone. "I would so very dearly like to believe that, too. I really would. Sadly, I know that there is God, and he or she created that _thing_ for the sole purpose of making my life miserable."

Anko hadn't heard the blonde's explanation, instead various thoughts were racing through her mind at lightning speed. "How do we kill it?" she wondered.

"I would suggest with fire," Naruto offered his opinion.

Anko found herself nodding in agreement. "Fire is good."

"Very good," Naruto agreed, nodding sagely.

_Fourth Wall_

Shikamaru stepped into the weapons shop, not paying any mind to Tenten; she was _female_—though she wasn't _blonde_—like _Him_. No, instead the young genius walked over to the nearest kunai and ran it across the pad of one finger, watching disinterested as slash of crimson appeared.

How fascinating, Shikamaru thought, staring at his own blood. He contemplated the instrument that had been able to harm him. Surely it could harm the _Blonde_, as well?

Shikamaru put the knife back, shaking his head. No, no—this would never do. Honestly, what _had_ he been thinking? A simple blade—against the Devil? No, it would never work. But he _would_ find something that would work. Yes. He. Would.

A flash of steel caught the youth's eyes, and he wandered over to a rack of _very_ sharp looking swords. They looked very, very deadly, he noted with satisfaction, smiling at the weapons.

Tenten stared at Shikamaru from behind the safety of the counter, slowly reaching for something to defend herself with, if the need arose. Why was there blood dried coming from his ears—more importantly, why was he was smiling at the swords like he was?

Yes, Shikamaru decided, these weapons might be able to kill the Devil. You see, he had come to the conclusion that Naruto Uzumaki was the Devil in human form—and he _blonde_. And the _woman_ was the servant of the _blonde_ Devil.

It all made perfect, rational sense when you stopped to think about it, really.

"Tenten," he asked, picking up a sword, "how suitable is this blade for cutting a human in two?" he asked casually in a tone that was better suited for discussing the weather than speaking on the subject that he currently was.

Tenten was silent, staring at the potential-customer-slash-potential-serial-killer. "It should do the job fine . . ." she answered hesitantly.

Shikamaru stared at his reflection in the blade, and smiled. "No, no, no," he tsked. "I need specifics," he demanded. "What if it has to cut through hair?" he asked. "Human hair," he elaborated a moment after.

Tenten wasn't sure what was happening, but she was certain that she wanted no part of it. "Should cut through human hair fine," she answered Nara.

Shikamaru hummed to himself, inspecting the weapon from every angle. "What about _blonde_ hair?" he asked with strange intensity, and Tenten was struck by the strange inflection he placed upon the word "blonde," as if it had some sort of significance.

"Blonde hair shouldn't be a problem?" she answered.

"Are you asking me or are you telling me?" Shikamaru asked politely, turning to stare at Tenten, and the young girl wished dearly that he hadn't.

"Telling," she assured him quickly, slouching behind the counter in an attempt to escape the Nara's gaze.

"Fantastic," he said happily. He then put the sword back on the shelf (much to Tenten's relief) and walked over the counter (much to her dismay.)

"How was your day, Tenten?" he asked pleasantly, making small talk as if he hadn't just been staring at a weapon and contemplating the murder of a fellow villager.

Tenten swallowed. "My day's been pretty okay," she forced a smile on her face. "How about you? You started the Academy today, didn't you?" she asked.

"Me?" Shikamaru asked. "Oh no!" he answered pleasantly, smiling at her. "I ran into Naruto," he said, as if that explained everything.

"Oh . . ." Tenten said, and wondered what to say next. "Well that explains that . . ." she said lamely, still smiling. Her face was beginning to hurt.

"Doesn't it," Shikamaru said, and his expression changed to one that was long suffering. Everything was silent, each smiling at the other.

"Well," Shikamaru spoke so suddenly that Tenten visibly jumped in fright, raising her hands to shield her face from whatever sharp object he might have with him. "You have a good day, Tenten," he said, placing a hand amicably on the young woman's shoulder and smiling.

Tenten had to fight down the violent urge to shudder. "You . . . too, Shikamaru," she said in a very forced manner, stretching her grin so wide that it was physically painful.

Shikamaru seemed not to notice, simply nodding at her and turning around, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking out, whistling an upbeat tune.

How _silly_ of him, he thought to himself. Weapons won't be able to kill the Devil! What _was_ he thinking!

He idly wondered when he had started thinking in italics, but it didn't really matter all that much. Did it? No, of course it didn't! After all, his italic thoughts were neither _female_ nor were they _blonde_.

So that made it _okay_. Everything was _okay_!

Or, at least, it would be. Very, very _soon_.

And Shikamaru smiled. At that same moment, a small kitten died a horrible death. But that was _okay_ because the kitten's death was unrelated to Shikamaru's smile.

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto found himself in Anko's apartment, and was rather surprised by the lack of snake-theme motif and the complete lack of chains and various other S&M equipment. Maybe they were in the bedroom? But, then again, he really didn't need to know, he had decided.

"Let me see if I got this straight, brat," Anko began, a jug of sake (far past being her first) in one hand. "God—the True God—is some guy named Kishimoto?" she asked.

Naruto nodded.

"And he controls all of our destinies?"

Another nod.

"Except, he's currently not controlling our destinies right now—another God is. A false god?" the woman asked, reviewing all that she had been told.

"Correct," Naruto was rather pleased that she was following this situation so well.

"And this 'False God'—he started the next Great War and destroyed Konoha for no other reason than to have a 'cool battle?'"

"Don't worry," Naruto assured the woman, "I fixed everything," he informed her with a smile.

"Right, because you became aware of the False God because you broke something—some kind of wall?"

The blonde nodded. "The fourth wall, yes," he confirmed.

"What happened to the first three?" Anko found herself asking, curious.

Naruto tilted his head. "The first three what?"

"Walls. You said you broke the fourth wall, so wasn't there three walls before the fourth one? Did you break them, too?" Anko asked.

"I don't know. Maybe? I don't think they're important," Naruto offered with a shrug, casting the thought from his mind.

"Right," Anko mumbled. How silly she think that the first three nonexistent walls should matter. "Anyway," she dismissed. "You broke reality," she recounted, trying to see if she was still following the child's logic.

"And then I traveled back in time!" Naruto added.

"Yes, of course," Anko took a rather large drink of her alcohol, some of it spilling down her chin and into the valley between her breasts. "How could we forget the time travel?"

"Don't worry!" Naruto said, reaching over and patting her comfortably on the arm. "You're new to this," he reassured her with a gentle smile.

Anko was quite proud of herself for not shuddering in front of the creepy child.

"Moving on!" Anko said. "This False God created that . . . that _thing_ to be your friend?" she asked.

"The False God hates me," Naruto said somberly, hanging his head.

"Have I forgotten anything?" the older ninja asked.

"I turned the Nine-Tails into a human woman, and she's a voyeuristic pervert who has a disturbing fascination with penises—mine in particular," the blonde child said matter-of-fact.

"Right, musing forget that the evil demon fox is now a human pervert with a pair of tits," Anko muttered. She felt she should be much more alarmed over the fact that the child knew about the existence of the fox, let alone that he was apparently either talking to it or having delusions about it.

"And then you met me."

Naruto clapped his hands, elated. She _understood_! "Yes! So you'll help me, then?" he asked hopefully.

Anko stared at the child, then at her bottle of alcohol and the many empty ones that littered the room. She chugged the rest of the bottle.

"Don't worry, brat," she said, wiping her mouth on the sleeve of her trench coat. "I know just who to talk to," she said.

_Fourth Wall_

He shouldn't have been surprised, he really shouldn't have.

Didn't change the fact that he was, though.

Naruto stared through the reinforced glass at the face of the Third Hokage, who was smiling reassuringly at him.

"Don't worry, Naruto," the Shadow of Fire spoke to him from the other side of the door. "We're going to make sure you get better!"

Naruto tried to free his arms but his struggles proved no match for the white restraint jacket he had found himself forced into.

The Third Hokage turned his head to Anko, who stood at his side, staring at the young child in padded cell. "You said he knew of the Fox?" he asked the kunoichi.

Anko nodded. "Said he turned her into a human woman, taught her about the birds and the bees, and now the fox has a fascination with his penis, apparently," she informed her superior.

Sarutobi nodded and said nothing—there really was nothing you could say after being told that.

"Let me out! I'm not crazy!" Naruto protested, fighting against the straight jacket. "You can't leave me here! She'll find me!" he called out in desperation.

"Is he still talking about the Fox?" the leader of the village asked, watching the child with great sorrow and pity in his face. The child had suffered so much in his life already, and now fate saw it fit to bestow this newest misfortune upon him.

"No," Anko shook his head. "There actually is something loose in the village," she informed the leader. "I think it might be one the snake bastard's experiments that got loose after all these years." She paused as a thought occurred to her. "I think the Uzumaki brat," she gestured to the restrained youth, "might have run into it and it could have caused this," she hedged, referring to the cheese sliding of the blonde's metaphorical cracker.

The Hokage frowned; that was troubling news. Until that creature was caught it was a danger to the ninja and civilians. There was no telling what the twisted mind of his former student had concocted, and whatever it was, it had apparently driven young Naruto insane.

"I want you and team of ANBU to hunt down creature and dispose of it before any further causalities arise," he ordered. Anko nodded swiftly and began walking away, muttering to herself about fire.

The Third turned one final time to the window and offered Naruto one last smile of encouragement before he turned away with a heavy heart, feeling every bit as old as he actually was.

Naruto stared at the retreating figure of the leader of the village. He slid one of the cushioned walls.

It was official: he was fucked.

_Fourth Wall_

Author's Note: I'm surprised at where this story is going! I'll be honest, this story doesn't really have a plan. I just sit down at computer and have only one goal for this story: to lampshade and viciously mock any all clichés in the Naruto fandom! I've already tackled unrealistic Original Characters and the Nine-Tails having a human form (even though I am quite found of that of plot device, myself.) I literally just see where my mind takes me and go from there.

I shall show no mercy to anything.

Now, I am aware of that there are typos. I reread every chapter after I finish typing it, and yet I still find myself re-uploading chapters after I finish them. Does anyone know how I go about finding a beta reader? Or are there any volunteers, perhaps? If so, answer in a review, please—it would be very appreciated.

Anyway, enjoy, and hope that my doctor does not refill my medication any time soon!


	7. Reproduction and the Devil

"And _that_, my good friend Chouji," Shikamaru said, smiling calmly at his childhood friend, "is why a slice of toast always lands butter-side down."

The plump Akimichi's back of snacks had long since run out and he really wished he could get more—but frankly, he was too terrified to take his eyes off of his friend to go get them. Smacking his lips and running his tongue over the, Chouji squinted at Shikamaru in confusion.

"I . . . I thought you were telling me on why that Uzumaki killed is the devil," he began, confused.

"_Devil_, Chouji," Shikamaru chided. "_He_ is the Devil."

Chouji looked about, totally confused. "Isn't that what I said?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "You forgot to capitalize the 'D,'" he explained. "It is _very_ important that you capitalize the 'D.'"

"I'm . . . sorry?" Chouji offered.

"That's quite all right," Shikamaru assured, still smiling serenely—a fact that made Chouji made nervous to no end; it just wasn't right seeing anything other than bored indifference on the Nara's face. "It's a simple mistake to make."

Chouji nervously toyed with his hands, not quite sure what to do with them since he longer had some food to eat (he coped with stress by eating; Shikamaru coped by going insane, apparently.) "So . . . what does toast have to do with Naruto?" he asked.

Shikamaru let out a sigh and shook his head. How _troublesome._ Hadn't Chouji been listening. "Since_ Uzumaki_ is the _Devil_, he is the source of all the _troublesome_ little minor inconveniences in the world," Shikamaru repeated once more. "Toast always falling buttered side to the floor? _Naruto's_ fault." He paused for a moment and a thoughtful look came across his face. "To think of it," he mused, "Ino always nagging at me might be also be _His_ fault, as well . . ." The genius dismissed the thought. "No, no, no—I'm being _silly_," he chided himself. "It's because Ino is _female_ and _blonde_," he realized. "She cannot help it." It wasn't Ino's fault that she was _blonde_ or _female_—so that was _okay._

Everything would _soon_ be _okay_.

Chouji really wished his friend would stop placing emphasis on certain words, so. It was really disconcerting.

"Shikamaru!" an enraged female voice called out, and the young boy being called turned and smiled at her serenely. The Nara would have thought of the old saying about speaking of the _Devil_ and _He_ will appear-but _clearly_ Ino wasn't _Naruto_, so that was also _silly_.

She was, however, _blonde_ and _female_.

She also seemed pissed, Shikamaru noted with interest. _Troublesome_.

"How dare you skip out on the first day of class!" she yelled, her ponytail whipping about in such a manner that it reminded the Nara of how a cats tail moved when angered. "And then you shove me!" she yelled, now inches from the lazy genius's face as she continued her tirade.

Shikamaru smiled gently at Ino and the young girl found her ire fading in the face of confusion. This wasn't Shikamaru's normal behavior. There was something . . . off about him. She discretely glanced towards Chouji and saw that the other boy seemed as confused as she was—and very nervous, as well.

Shikamaru placed a hand on the young woman's shoulder; it wasn't a threatening gesture by any means, and yet Ino found herself fighting her fight or flight instincts that were screaming at her to do the later. "I'm sorry for shoving you, Ino," Shikamaru said calmly, still smiling at the blue-eyed girl. "That was _very_ rude of me," he apologized.

Ino swallowed nervously. "D-don't worry about," she said, looking around for some way out of the situation, and finding none.

"Wonderful," Shikamaru hummed. "Please," he gestured to the bench that Chouji was sitting on. "Won't you take a seat?" he asked.

Ino sat down next to Chouji; the request was perfectly polite and gentlemanly, but she knew that it was _not_ a request.

"Please put this on," Shikamaru ordered more than he asked, holding out a hat that he had pulled out of her pocket to the young girl.

Ino bristled at the command, staring at the hat. "Are you saying more hair looks bad!" she demanded, her voice rising, and then immediately regretted doing so when all that Shikamaru did was smile at her, still holding out the hat.

"Your hair looks lovely," Shikamaru assured her. "It's just that it's _blonde_," he said, as if the fact was as obvious as the sky was blue.

Ino took the hat, finding it best to argue with her seemingly insane team mate. Her father had told her what the minds of the insane were like and she wanted nothing to do with setting Shikamaru off.

"Look at that!" Shikamaru observed with a smile as she placed the hat over her hair. "It matches your clothing quite _splendidly_," he said clapping his hands together.

Ino shifted on the bench, not sure how to react. "What's wrong with my hair?" she asked after she had finally worked up the nerve.

Shikamaru leaned closer to his _female_ childhood friend. "Ino, let me tell you about the _Devil_," he spoke.

"the devil?" Ino asked, and Chouji found himself cringing as he heard her lack of apparently proper capitalization of the first letter.

"_Devil_, Ino," Shikamaru lectured. "The capital 'D' is _very_ important," Shikamaru said pleasantly, and Ino was reminded of a serial killer calmly telling a potential victim that if she tried any shenanigans that he would quite happily rip out her spleen and turn it into a tea cozy.

"Sorry," Ino said meekly, trying to make herself appear small and insignificant.

"Quite alright," Shikamaru assured. She hadn't known. How was she to know.

So that was _okay_.

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto decided that being declared insane was very, very boring. I thought that insane people (well, legitimately insane people, at least) were placed in here to get well. Naruto had only been in here for two hours and he thought he was beginning to lose his mind out of the sheer boredom of it.

Of course the sheer terror that the Technicolor abomination was hunting him down and he there currently wasn't a damn thing he would be able to do to stop it did not help his peace of mind any.

For not the first time, he thought many uncomplimentary terms about Anko and wished that she soon find herself in interesting times.

_Fourth Wall_

"Lee!" a green clad man in a vest declared! "There is a most un-youthful young woman walking the streets of Konoha!" the martial arts expert declared.

"Yes Gai-sensei!" a younger mini-me version of the older declared.

"It is our duty to find this young woman and show her the flames of youth!" he decreed!

"Guy-sensei!" Lee cried, embracing his teacher as the nimbus of a rising sun manifested itself in the background behind them.

"Lee!"

"Gai-Sensei!"

"Lee!"

Tenten, whom had had enough crazy for one day when Shikamaru had been oogling the sharp objects in the weapons store she worked at, was not going to put up with her teammate and teacher's usual insanity. It was in this spirit that she threw a large amount of weapons at them; most ninja would have considered her reaction to be excessive, but she felt that it wasn't enough, if anything.

"Can we get on with it!" the weapons master cried. "We do have a mission!"

Neji said nothing, instead brooding silently about Fate, as he was wont to do, but he secretly was grateful to his female teammate.

"Your enthusiasm is a shining example of youth, my student!" Mighty Guy cried, flashing her a dazzling smile and sticking one thumb triumphantly up in the air in approval. Maito Gai then leaped away in his signature entry move—nowhere close to where one Uzumaki Naruto was, by any means.

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto was not surprised to find himself in the sewer of his mind.

The "sewer of his mind?" He reflected on that last description, and began to wonder if he didn't actually belong in his padded cell.

"What do you want?" he asked tiredly, more than a little annoyed to find himself still in his straight jacket, even though it was his own mind.

The Nine-Tails stared at the boy. "Why are you wearing that?" she asked, her speech momentarily forgotten.

"Because I was cold and the nice men were kind enough to give this jacket to keep me warm," Naruto said facetiously.

The Nine-Tails shrugged her shoulders, since that explanation made as much as any. "I must thank you, brat," she began, toying with a long strand of raven hair that had fallen over one of her breasts and acting as some form of modesty. When she shifted it and exposed herself to the boy, Naruto found that he simply could not bring himself to give a damn over the sight or even blush. "You have shown me the key to ruling your world!" she said, flashing her sharpened canines at him in a feral grin.

"Uh-huh," Naruto nodded. "Yeah, that's great," he dismissed. "Hey, why aren't you talking in bold letters anymore?" he asked.

The woman blinked at him. "What do you mean? I've always talked like this," she said.

"No . . ." Naruto denied. "You always spoke in bold letters and never used quotation marks in your speech," he informed her, glancing two lines above in the narration. "In previous chapters you never used quotation marks and your speech was always in bold letters—except when we were in that white space, but I'm still trying to figure that out."

"Narration?" the woman was confused. What was the blonde rambling about?

"I've figured some things out," Naruto confessed. "You see, this is all just a story and I am the protagonist, which I think means I can get away with just about anything and everything will work out in the end—but I'm not quite sure on that yet, especially given the unique habit this storyline has to screw me over at the earliest possible convenience." Naruto said, not metaphorically tap dancing on the remains of the Fourth Wall.

"Anyway," the Nine-Tails dismissed. "As I was saying, I must thank you for—" she began, only to be cut off once more.

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto cut in, seeming far more serious than any person in a straight jacket had any right to be. "You can tell me your plan in a minute," he told the woman. "Right now you need a name," he decided.

The Nine-Tails blinked at him. "Why?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Because, honestly, the amount of times you have been referred to as the 'Nine-Tails,' 'demon,' 'fox,' some form of 'fox-turned-human,' or a reference to your gender is getting a little redundant in the narration. "Not mention the inconsistent capitalization of the word 'fox'," Naruto added.

"I don't have a name," the Fox informed him, and Naruto shuddered at yet another example in the narration.

"Okay, that's fine," Naruto said. "I'm going to name you Victoria," he told the woman.

"Victoria" blinked at the child. "Why Victoria?" she asked. "That doesn't even sound Japanese," she added.

"I don't care," Naruto told her. "It's the first name I thought of, and, quite frankly, I don't give a damn."

Victoria shrugged her shoulder. What did she care what the brat wanted to call her in his delusions.

"Oh, and you might want to be kind of quick explaining your plans of world domination since you don't have much time," he informed her quite politely.

Victoria snarled at the impertinence of the youth. "This conversation is finished when I say it is finished! Not you!"

Naruto shook his head. "Oh, I have no say in the matter, either," he told her. "I'm just noticing the scene break about in a little while," he said looking at the floor and seeming to see the two italic words in question.

Victoria didn't have the patience to indulge the brat's insanity. "Humans are capable of reproduction," she began, smirking triumphantly.

"Congratulations, you paid attention to the book I read you," Naruto said.

The raven-haired woman now named Victoria paid no mind to his comment. "Children have half of the mother and half of the father," she continued.

"You really do have a knack for stating the obvious," Naruto observed, glancing at his feet to see how close the scene break was.

"So, if I reproduce, my children will have four-point-five tails of chakra, and I can start an army that will overtake you pitiful humans!" she declared triumphantly, smirking at the cocky child to see just what he had to say to that!

Naruto stared at her, his Zen-like mood shattered but the sheer outrageousness of her plan. "Wow . . ." he began. "That is . . . there are so many flaws in that plan, I do not know where to begin!" he informed her.

Victoria scowled at him; how dare he mock her! Her plan was perfect! "What do you mean?" she sneered.

Naruto idly noted that the Fox (and he made sure to capitalize the "F" in the word for consistency) was getting better at expressions. "For a start," he began, "you fail biology forever," he told her. "That is not how reproduction works.

"A child only gets his or her DNA from the mother and father," he recalled from the book he had read. "Not chakra. That's not even to mention the fact that you're really a giant fox and that you're currently stuck within me. Oh, and you seem to be forgetting the fact that the human form you have now is simply a mental construct," he reminded her.

"So," Victoria asked, and Naruto had to do a double take to make sure that the Fox was indeed pouting.

"So . . ." Naruto began, beginning to lose his cool with the conversation, and dearly wishing that he wasn't in a straightjacket. People didn't take others serious when they were in straightjackets. "I'm the only one in my mind," he informed Victoria in the same tone an adult would explain to a child why they could not go running about naked in public. "Even if a Yamanaka came in here, you'd be stuck behind that seal," he nodded his head to the cage.

"I'm the greatest of all the tailed demons, brat," Victoria began haughtily. "I'm pretty certain I can trick a mere human into entering the seal!" she declared.

"Again," Naruto began, beginning to feel the start of a migraine. How was it even possible to get a migraine when you were inside of your own head? "You're just a mental figment!" he reiterated. "He would be a mental figment! There would be no baby batter!" he declared. How had this happened? He had been feeling so calm a few moments ago. "Besides you have no internal plumbing! You're real body doesn't even have a gender!"

Victoria sniffed. "I can fix that," she declared haughtily; her plan was genius, she knew. "I'll just form make myself the proper organs—I paid attention to that book." She then looked at Naruto, a gleam in her eyes. "Since you're my container I'll just have you have procreate with my true form."

Naruto gaped at her. Was she serious? She couldn't be. Didn't she realize? No, of course she didn't.

"Victoria," Naruto began very calmly. "How tall is your real form?" he asked.

Victoria shrugged, looking at the claws-slash-nails. "A couple of stories, I would imagine," she guessed.

Naruto nodded. "Right," he said. "Now, look at how tall I am?" he said, and the woman did indeed gaze at him. Naruto felt the beginnings of hope swell within his breast—only to have it dashed when the woman shrugged.

"So?"

Naruto grit his teeth and struggled within the straightjacket. "I AM NOT GOING SPELUNKING IN THE VAGINA OF A GIANT FOX!" he yelled. "THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS HAPPENING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NO WAY!" he declared, now having descended into a rage.

Before he could continue his rant, he vanished.

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto once more found himself in his padded cell. Looking up, he tried to see the italic words that he knew were there, but found for some reason that he could not.

"Oh well," Naruto growled, still angered by his conversation with fox. Crazy woman probably just wanted to get pregnant so her boobs would get bigger, he thought bitterly.

~They get bigger?~ Victoria asked, now staring down at her breasts in wonder. ~Does this have to do with them filling with milk?~ he heard the woman ask in his head.

Before Naruto could even begin to tell the Fox that he was not going to have this conversation with her, the padded wall just behind him imploded.

"Deus ex Machina!" a voice cried out triumphantly, and then its owner stopped to wonder why he had said that.

Naruto turned and wasn't surprised to see Maito Gai now standing in front of a hole in his wall. "What was that?" Naruto asked the leader of—now that he thought of it, this man's team didn't have a number, did they?

"That was my signature most youthful move!" Gai declared, though still a bit distracted as to how he ended up here. He had been nowhere near the hospital, and why had he called that move by that name. "But it is called Dynamic Entry," he spoke to himself. "Why did I call it Deus ex Machina? What is a Deus ex Machina?" he wondered, quite perplexed.

Naruto stared at the man and then at the hole in the wall, deciding not to question the fact that this messed up reality had worked in his favor for once. "Trust me," he spoke to the man as he walked through the door, intent on putting as much distance between himself and the no doubt approaching OC as possible, "it's best not to dwell on this matter.

_Fourth Wall_

Some time later, though he wouldn't notice it, his inexplicable movement through time and storyline had an effect on Maito Gai that the teacher did not notice. Green ones and zeroes periodically appeared around him.

A plot hole had been formed, and from that point on, it could only grow.

_Fourth Wall_

Meanwhile, Shikamaru was still smiling as he lectured his friends.


	8. In Which There is a Blockage of Writing

Insanity was interesting, Naruto had found over the three plus weeks that he had been trapped in this strange prison.

Before, he had resolved that he was the only sane person in the world—the damn fox could have been counted among that elite club, but she was far too fascinated by genitalia for Naruto's comfort, so no membership for her! Before, he had been sane. It true—he really, truly had! He had been surrounded by a tornado of insanity of the bat-shit variety, and he had been the eye of that damned storm! But now?

He glanced down at the straitjacket that he had been wearing for near a month. Well, at least he was dressed appropriately for his newfound mental state, he thought. Though he really would have preferred the padded cell to his new prison, he decided as he glared at the floating walls of strange symbols that had descended and imprisoned him.

**Naruto walked briskly from a confused Mighty Gai before the man cou**

The line of symbols vanished only to be replaced by a new one, as they always were the blonde ninja had noticed.

**Anko stared at the abomination before and vowed she would hunt down her old sensei and kill him for his hand in this.**

That line of strange symbols were wiped from reality.

Naruto dared not touch any of them, having learned all too well the cause-effect relationship that was established by him touching the strange symbols. It could be summed, mathematically, as the following:

Dumbass notion to touch symbols + Actual touching = Pain for Naruto.

Naruto was thinking of submitting it for review and possible publication. He didn't quite know who or where might be interested in his thoughts, but the idle musings helped to stave off the insanity that was slowly entering his mind.

Naruto gazed mournfully down at his stomach, wishing that he could speak with Victoria. She could shove her breasts directly into his face at this point and he doubted that he would even care. He just wanted to talk to someone.

His boredom had given rise to insanity, Naruto knew. He was insane—but he was still sane enough to know it. He figured that put him ahead of the game. Naruto knew he was insane because he had begun hearing voices!

"Stop narrating about my insanity!" **Naruto yelled to the air, glaring at no point in particular as he once more heard the voice that felt the need to describe each of his actions.**

**Naruto heard the voice describe his yelling and simply let out a sigh, mourning the loss of his sanity. Hearing voices was not a new experience to the young ninja, per se, but he knew for a fact that the previous voice he heard had been Victoria, and the fact of her existence was carved into the minds of fears of his entire village.**

"Thank you, Mr. Narrator," **Naruto grumbled**, **having decided to give a name to the voice he was hearing. The voice narrated his actions, so Naruto thought the name "Narrator" was very appropriate—though he was ignorant of just how much he was breaking an already very fragile Fourth Wall.**

"What's the fourth wall?" **Naruto thought. He vaguely recalled mentioning it himself during a conversation with Victoria, but the memory seemed ethereal and fleeting in his mind.**

"'Ethereal?'" **Naruto repeated cynically. **"Great, now the voice is using words that I don't even understand," **he spat bitterly**. "My own madness is mocking me."

Naruto suddenly fell to the floor, his eyes rolled into the back of his head as the voice suddenly vanished from his mind. He had not noticed it, but the block of writing he had been trapped in had vanished, and the narrative resumed once more.

_Authors Note_: Okay, sorry for the long delay! I can assure that it didn't have anything to do with Dragon Age 2 being released. Nope. Not a single bit.

The truth is, I know what I want to incorporate long-term into this story, but I had little idea how to get from Point A to Point B. Something that really shouldn't matter in a story that by its very nature is pure chaos and has no plot, but there you have it.

So I thought to myself, if this is a story about fan fiction clichés and Naruto plot elements, then why can't writers' blocks and long updates become part of the story, too? And so this stop-gap was born!

The good news is, this chapter has cleared the way for the next phase of insanity! I promise the next update will not be near a month.


	9. So Many Deaths, So Little Time

Ino wanted to cry. Nothing much had happened in the last few weeks—strangely, each day seemed the same as the one that preceded it—which lead her to her current situation: sitting on a bench in a ramen stand, dressed in neon-bright-hey-I'm-a-ninja-but-screw-stealth-I-think-I-look-stylish-so-who-cares-even-though-I'll-soon-die-at-least-I -will-look-good-damnit orange, and eating noodles yet again.

Chouji, who was in the same situation, didn't seem to mind, happily slurping bowl after bowl of noodles swimming in salty broth.

Ino looked down at the noodles as if they were the intestines of road kill that had been freshly trodden upon by a trader's wagon wheel. Certainly, she could chose to dress to her usual fabulous standard of style, but then she would risk displeasing Shikamaru.

And, to be honest, Shikamaru scared her in the same way that the memory of the Nine-Tailed Fox scared most of the veteran shinobis.

Oh, it's not like Shikamaru would get angry. Shikamaru _never_ got angry, now—everything was _okay_ (how Ino hated that damn word, and the strange way that he seemed to say it that defied all methods of the Japanese language. At most, Shikamaru would simply be mildly perturbed—but then he would smile at her, and he would continue to smile until she cracked and descended into the depths of insanity that he seemed to be currently occupying.

"Chouji," she asked weakly, listly lifting several strands of noodles with a pair of chopsticks and watching them flop in the air. The rotund boy next to her turned his head, a great beard of noodles hanging off of his chin from his mouth. "When did our lives became a never-ending freakshow?" she asked miserably.

"I think Shikamaru mentioned something about a human-shaped incarnation of female harpy death-screeching right before he focused on killing Naruto," Chouji asked, not really caring; it meant all the ramen he could eat! And while he would like something other than noodles at this point, he was never one to turn down a free lunch—and a free dinner, breakfast, snacks and any other meal he wanted to eat.

Except the expired milk—he refused to drink the expired milk, no matter how much it would help to put him into Naruto's mindset.

"Oh, that's right," Ino said, spying a floating fish cake and stabbing violently at the namesake of the cause of all of her woes, imagining it had blonde hair and a set of whisker-like birthmarks. It cheered her up a little, but didn't do much.

"Hey, guys," A slow drawl said from behind them, and Ino stiffened, hurriedly stuffing as many noodles as she could into her mouth, until her cheeks bulged in a chipmunk-like manner.

"Chickuhmawu!" Ino turned and greeted, her mouth full of noodles.

Then she stopped, her jaw fell open, and a mass of half masticated noodles fell to the floor.

_Troublesome_, Shikamaru thought, frowning down at the food and moving a step away and to the side of Ino in case she felt further need to projectile launch her food from her mouth.

Ino opened her mouth, but all that emerged were a series of inarticulate syllables and guttural noises. Weakly she pointed a shaking finger at Shikamaru, and once more attempted to form speech, but all that escaped from her throat was a sound that resembled the air hissing from a deflated balloon.

Chouji, curious as to the cause of Ino's disturbance, turned and raised an eyebrow at his longtime friend. "Hey, Shikamaru," he greeted, capturing a hunk of beef between his chopsticks and popping it into his mouth. "Not wearing orange anymore?" he asked, seeing his friend in his once-upon-a-time usual attire.

"Yeah," the lazy genius answered, occupying the vacant stool to Ino's right, but refraining from ordering any ramen. He had consumed far too much sodium than was healthy within a year during the last few weeks.

Ino was still catatonic, staring at Shikamaru—but now she was staring at his clothing and then glancing down at her own orange attire.

"So, did you get counseling or something?" Chouji asked casually, with all the nonchalance of what one thought of the weather, as if he was not discussing Shikarmaru's stint into crazyville, located squarely in the center of batshit-insane.

"Nah," Shikamaru said, shaking his head. "Insanity was simply too tiring, to be honest," he answered.

"You . . ." Ino rasped, her eye twitching now. "You mean to tell me that you became _sane_ simply because you found insanity to be too _troublesome_?" she asked, and Shikamaru seemed to miss the note of impending death in her voice.

Shikarmau nodded.

Then, without warning, Ino ripped the orange jumpsuit she was wearing, grabbed the pair of chopsticks, let out a bloodcurdling screech of murder, and leapt at Shikamaru. Clad in nothing more than her underwear, Ino let out a series of sounds that might have translated into speech not to be spoken in public as she tried her damndest to stab out Shikamaru's eyes with her chopsticks.

Chouji watched the spectacle, thought about intervening, but instead ordered a bowl of miso ramen instead.

_How troublesome_, Shikamaru thought as one of the chopsticks was shoved violently up one of his nostrils as Ino screamed what might have been "Itadakimasu, you bastard!" But he could have been mistaken.

_The Fourth Wall_

Victoria wasn't quite sure what was happening at the moment. The child had suddenly appeared before her prison, walked through the bars of the cell, and politely asked if she could be so kind as to loosen the jacket that he was wearing. Somewhat out of her element, the woman simply slid a sharper-than-natural fingernail along a seam and the coat fell to the water that they both stood in.

Naruto then thanked her and proceeded to wrap both of his arms around her and shove his face into her torso, not seeming to mind that her breasts rested upon his blonde hair. He then then proceeded to stroke her hair up and down, running his hand over her (she believed the humans called it an "ass") at the end of each stroke.

This had been going on for a good few hours from what she could figure.

"Um . . ." she began, biting at her lower lip.

"Hush," Naruto said, raising a finger and barely being able to place it upon her lips. "No talking now. This is a special moment. No talking," he said and went back to stroking her hair and her rear, all the while muttering about block, three weeks, and how someone called "the Narrator" was stalking him but it was okay because he didn't think the Narrator could get them here.

Victoria looked down at the boy, blowing a strand of black hair out of her face. She suddenly brightened! Maybe this was some form of human courtship ritual!

She looked down at the boy. Well, she couldn't fault his taste—she thought she was one sexy bitch (for a human, she meant.) She would stare kill the kid, no doubt, but at least he had good taste!

Yes, this must be some form of courting ritual! She had noticed that other human males paid large amounts of attention to other female humans' posteriors.

Maybe she would (how did the humans put it? Get "laid?" after all!)

Meanwhile, Naruto simply enjoyed the soft silken feel of Victoria's hair. It was so nice to be out of the box. He was slightly confused—not quite recalling that her hair only fell to her lower back-on why her hair suddenly became humped at the end.

"You smell nice," Naruto said idly. "Like human corpses and death," he said pleasantly.

Victoria was quite pleased, and lowered her hand from where she was about to impale her claws trough his vertebrae, deciding the brat could live a bit longer.

_The Fourth Wall_

The Hokage frowned severely at the amorphous blob before him. Never in all his years had he encountered such an unholy abomination. Not even the Nine-Tails could measure up to this creation. His former student was certainly a wicked individuals to have created it.

"_I_ Wilujg; Be **Your** FriIeEnd!" it said in what might have been speech; a thousand different eyeballs—some with sharingans, some with a series of rings, some pure white with veins, some simply smiley faces—gazed back at him.

"Are you sure, Hokage-sama," Mighty Gai asked, looking unusually severe, clasping a hand upon the wizened ninja's shoulder.

"The Fourth had to sacrifice his soul to the god of death to deal with the Kyuubi," the Third answered. "I can think of no other alternative to end this threat," he said.

His hands flashed into a series of intricate symbols, preparing to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect his village.

Unknown to the Third and Guy, when Guy had placed his hand upon the Thrid's shoulder, the Plot Hole that had been stowed away within Mighty Guy had jumped to the Third, sensing the old ninja's intent.

_The Fourth Wall_

The Third's summon to call fourth Death was hijacked by the Plot Hole, and instead entered into the Internet.

_The Fourth Wall_

A cloaked figure looked up from playing board games with two young men named Bill and Ted, hearing a beckon to be summoned. Frowning, he looked down at his hand and ignored the call.

"Right hand, red!" one of the teens called.

He would not lose it. It was best 543 out of 1,084!

_The Fourth Wall_

A pale young woman wearing a floppy hat hummed a Mary Poppins song to herself, and suddenly frowned when she felt a call tugging at her. Crossing her arms, she shook her head.

"As interesting as it would be, I can't take a vacation," she said as she wandered over and gently laid a hand upon a person in a bed.

All throughout the room were people who had gone to sleep and never gotten up. The young woman frowned, hoping her younger brother was okay and that he would get back soon from wherever he was.

_The Fourth Wall_

A series of regular people sat around a table at a place called Der Waffle Haus as they were each passed a yellow post-it note. They each frowned when they felt the call.

"What was that, Rube," a blonde woman named George asked the man handing each of the people at the table a post-it note.

"None of our business," he said simply.

_The Fourth Wall_

A skeletal old man calmly sliced at his deep dish pizza; all around him in the pizzeria, dead bodies littered the floor. An immaculate white ring gleamed on one of his fingers as she stuck another bite of Pizza into his mouth.

He felt a strange call, but even if he was inclined to answer it, as long as that upstart fallen angel had him held in that unseemly spell of his, he could do nothing.

The man simply looked out the window at his white mustang, the weather in Chicago getting worse and worse. If the boy didn't get here soon, there wouldn't be a city left.

And that would be a pity; he liked their pizza, after all.

_The Fourth Wall_

A widely grinning figure bit into an apple as he watched the young man write with unholy fervor into a blank notebook.

He had heard a summons tug at his being, but this was much more interesting!

_The Fourth Wall_

An orange-haired teen swung his sword, and a spiral of red and black shot fourth to destroy a masked creature. He suddenly faltered as an odd feeling washed over him, only nearly dodging another masked foe.

A short woman with black hair yelled at him, and the orange-haired teen put the incident out of his mind and returned his focus to the battle at hand as the woman froze one of their foes into a pillar of ice.

_The Fourth Wall_

A cloaked figure grinned down at a man bearing a blessed whip—the bane of his master's existence—as the figure hovered amongst the halls of a castle. He felt a summons, but paid it no heed, as he served only his eternal master.

_The Fourth Wall_

A blue-haired teen put a handgun to his head and pulled the trigger upon a rooftop. Instead of his own gray matter coming out, a figure with a harp appeared in the air behind the youth, only to suddenly be shred apart from within as a colossus in tattered black robes emerged, a series of chained coffins hovering about it.

It heard a summons, but it cared not. It only cared for the masked blob before it, waving its many swords beneath the light of the green full moon. It was one of its missing pieces. Letting out a war, the robed figure charged the shapeless foe, its sword held high.

_The Fourth Wall_

A red-haired woman suddenly gripped her stomach as a wave of vertigo crashed over her.

"What was that?' she asked weakly, feeling ill.

"None of our damn business, that's what!" a voice responded. "Who the hell does that shit-bag think he is, calling me! Damn it! I am so pissed off right now! C'mon, kid, let's go get some hot pods! That should make us feel better! Damn fan fiction writers, thinking they can just put anyone they please in their shitty little stories! They better pay me royalties for this!" the voice raged.

The young woman had learned long ago to ignore the strange things that the being that she shared her body with said, and instead placed her onyx blade upon her shoulder and went off in search of hot pods, instead.

_The Fourth Wall_

The Third could not understand why he still drew breath! He should have summoned forth the Shinigami and sealed away this abomination.

Steeling his resolve, he prepared to unleash his most devastating jutsus upon the blob, when suddenly he noticed something moving amongst the grass.

A tiny black shape was now marching towards the blob and then climbing it. All the ninja present stopped and stared, trying to figure out what it was.

"Is that the god of death?" Anko asked, raising an eyebrow at the shape.

Mighty Guy squinted at the thing. "I . . . I think it is a tiny animal wearing a black cloak," he said, unsure.

Kakashi lazily lifted his headband and exposed his sharingan, and both eyes widened. It was indeed an animal, but it wasn't alive! It was a tiny rodent skeleton holding a scythe.

SQUEEK! The figure said and began to swipe at the blob with its scythe.

All the ninja present could only stare at the spectacle.

"That's the thing that defeated the Fox?" Anko asked, seriously unimpressed with Death.

INTERESTING, a voice that caused all the ninjas to stiffen, as it sounded like two slabs of concrete rubbing together. NOT A DROP OF MOUSE BLOOD OR EVEN A FRESH EGG, the owner of the voice mused. THIS IS MOST UNSUAL, it observed.

As one, the ninja turned and beheld a cloaked skeleton holding a scythe.

GOOD DAY, TO YOU ALL, it greeted pleasantly. I DON'T SUPPOSE ANY OF YOU WOULD HAPPEN TO BE A WIZARD WOULD YOU?

**Author's Note**: _Yes! Now begins the crossovers! Mwhahaha!_

_ First off, let me thank each of my reviewers for helping this story to reach the 50 review mark. Never did I ever hope to have a story with that many. You honor me and I hope that you are enjoying this tale of insanity as much as I am enjoying writing it._

_ To Kiyomos, in regards to your review: Have you been reading my mind? It might, or something very close to that. But who knows? I might change my mind._

_ To anyone who can identify each incarnation of Death mentioned, I will answer one question about the future of the story! I think I gave enough clues to be able to identify them with a bit of time on a search engine and few keywords._

_ Extra bonus points to the Death that crossed over. It seemed only natural given the nature of that series. _

_ Get ready, because if you thought things were crazy before, things are about to get absolutely out of hand! _

_ Oh yes, I do not own any of the Deaths or the series from which they each hail, yadda yadda, blah blah, legal mumbjo and all that._


	10. Special Guest, Rick Astley!

**Notice: To whit, the Deaths mentioned in the previous chapter are as follow:**

**1.) Death from the film **_**Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey**_

**2.) Death of the Endless from Neil Gaiman's graphic novel "Sandman" series, set in the very beginning when Dream is still captured.**

**3.) The cast from "Dead Like Me"**

**4.) The Horseman of Death from the series Supernatural, set in the episode of "Two Minutes to Midnight" near the end of the fifth season.**

**5.) Ichigo and Rukia fighting some hollows from the mana/anime Bleach**

**6.) Ryuk from Death Note**

**7.) Death from Castlevania facing a Belmont**

**8.) Thanatos from the beginning of the Play Station 2 RPG "Persona 3"**

**9.) Gig from the PS2 RPG "Soul Nomads and the World Eaters." I suggest hunting down a copy of this title if only for the awesomeness of Gig's character and fourth-wall breaking capabilities, with such comments as "like a couple of gold medal sprinters at the Special Olympics," when two characters run off into a trap**

**10.) Death and the Death of Rats from the criminally underappreciated Discworld book series**

_The Fourth Wall_

Naruto wasn't quite sure where he was, all that he cared was that the block of symbols was gone and there was another person. Well, another person might have been too high of a qualification in his current mental state; so long as it moved and was human-shaped, he would have been happy.

On the plus side, this human-shaped thing only made occasional noises that might have been speech (he wasn't really paying attention) and the back of it was soft feeling. Except at the ends, where it was curved and firm.

Strange that.

"Sue ish thif whr u stk R pennies N me?" Naruto heard, through a muffled haze of insanity.

"What did I say about talking?" he asked the human-shaped object, raising his head only to find his vision blocked out by two strange hovering . . . things. Oh well, it probably didn't matter what they were.

"I said, is this where you stick your penis in me?" the voice repeated, much more clearly this time; Naruto froze, his mind trying to comprehend the context of that sentence, with all conclusion equating to "seriously whacked-out shit is happening to you—yet again."

Not answering, Naruto blinked thoughtfully. As he continued to struck the soft things (realizing that they might be hair) his hand stopped at the curved lower area that he knew for a fact was most likely _not_ hair.

He squeezed. Definitely not hair, then. With the same reaction that any sane person might have to entering his or her home, only to find that there is now a clown within, waving his penis at you, Naruto slowly looked up at the twin things.

Why yes, he did believe that those were the underside of a pair of breasts.

"I see . . ." Naruto said thoughtfully, biting his lip as he slowly brought his hand away from what could be nothing other than some unknown female's butt.

His only consolation was that this female's hair was far too long to belong to Anko, but that was like saying that a person was more fortunate to be hit in the genitalia with an iron bar instead of, say, having blunt objects forcibly inserted into his or her eye sockets.

Taking a deep breath, and resolving not to flip the shit out and discard the few nebulous strings of sanity he had just regain. He took a few resolute steps back, his gaze towards the ground.

Water everywhere? Check.

A pair of long slender legs? Check.

Distinct lack of clothing? Double check.

Nude-evil-primoridial-gender-optional-fox-demon-who-is-now-a-human-female-who-has-far-too-great-of-an-interest-in-his-junk? Fuck his life, but check.

Then, with remarkable dignity (as if he had not just gotten to second base with an ancient force of primordial chaos) he looked Victoria straight in the eye and spoke, "That didn't happen." He nodded sagely.

Victoria looked confused; did this mean he wasn't going to put his penis in the hole between her legs? Wait—vagina—she corrected herself. "Yes it did," she replied, because it had in fact happened—she had been there, and so had he. She truly didn't understand the purpose of this lying.

"No it did not."

"Yes, it did."

"Nooo . . ." Naruto said, "it really didn't." Honestly, what did she not understand about blatant self-denial.

Victoria was silent, having decided that such a juvenile argument was beneath a being of her magnificence. "Well?" she asked, crossing her arm over her breasts and unknowingly raising an eyebrow in a very human gesture.

"Yeah?" Naruto asked.

"Are you going to put your penis in me? According to the book, that is how living creatures have this 'sex' thing, is it not?" she asked.

Naruto sighed. "I've already answered that question, and I refuse to have this conversation again.

"Then why did you indicate that you wanted to?" Victoria asked. She could not understand his reluctance—it wasn't as if he served any other purpose with his existence.

"No I didn't ."

"You felt the fleshly area behind my legs," Victoria said. "The area where I believe there is another hole," she informed him.

"Another hole?" Naruto whispered, cringing at the ignorant terming. Did she even know what that "hole" was for? He suddenly had horrible visions of himself in the library having to read "Everybody Poops" to an ancient fox-demon and explain potty training.

Did she even go to the bathroom, for that matter? Naruto looked at pool of water, and suddenly felt queasy at what might be lurking within it—to say nothing of what he thought of anyone taking a dump in what could be considered his mind. How might that be affecting his mental state? Did it even affect his mental state?

His face went pale in horror! Oh dear lord! How accurate was his creation of her human body? He knew far many more things about females than he ever wanted to thanks largely in part to Jiraiya. Would she get PMS? He did not want to see what an ancient demon who could destroy mountains and make tsunamis might do if it was PMS-ing. He CERTAINLY didn't want to have that knowledge taking place in his mind.

Victoria stared at Naruto. "Why are you shaking like that?" she asked, having watched him suddenly gone into a catatonic state. Perhaps he decided he did want to do the sex, after all?

Naruto swallowed his nerves. "Hey, Victoria?" he asked, with all the caution that someone might approach a pissed-off rattlesnake. "How do you feel?" he asked.

"I want to have sex," she answered. Had she not already made that abundantly clear by this point?

Naruto mentally counted to ten. "I mean . . . do you feel like you're hungry, or tired . . . or have cramps and urges to twist my head off?"

Victoria blinked. What was the brat getting at? "How am I supposed to be hungry, when you made this form, you were focused on just making a human avatar for me," she reminded me. "Most likely you just focused on the exterior and the interior is empty," she said with a huff. "As for me wanting to twist your head off—of course I do!" she answered. "I've told you that I fully intend to kill you when I feel like it—though after I have sex with you," she said. Naruto didn't know if this was an improvement or not.

Victoria suddenly looked thoughtful, and Naruto was slightly shocked when one of her seven locks of raven hair that adorned her back suddenly snaked around and curled up her arm in what might have been classified in a thoughtful manner had humans ever had the chance to quantify the emotional aspects of semi-sentient hair. But alas, they had not, so Naruto simply thought it strange until he recalled that the strands of hair represented her tails, and was then only mildly grateful that neither of the two strands that fell to cover her breasts hadn't moved.

Really, she constantly had her lower half on display, so her nudity really didn't affect him at this point.

"Although," she began, chewing on her lower lip thoughtfully in a manner that was so human that Naruto had to remind himself that she was not, "it would probably be much easier if I killed you and then had sex with you."

Naruto, despite the twenty-four hour marathon of apes shit insanity that his life had plummeted into, was not prepared for that statement.

Taking a breath, he took a seat in the water around him and prepared to explain to Victoria the concept of Necrophilia and why it was generally considered a bad thing.

_The Fourth Wall_

The gathered ninja could only stare at the tall imposing figure of the cloaked skeleton that was currently grinning at them (though, to be fair, it was quite impossible for it to do anything but grin.)

HOW INTERESTING, the skeleton reflected, gazing about. THE NARRATIVE OF THIS WORLD IS IN A STATE OF DEGENERATIVE FLUX AFFECTING ALL ASPECTS, it observed. WHY, EVEN I HAD NUMEROUS TYPOS THE LAST CHAPTER, IN MY SPEECH, it observed.

Anko stared at the skeleton and then redirected her gaze to its tiny skeletal rat counterpart, who seemed to be doing its damndest to kill the blob in a one-sided war of attrition.

COULD I ASK HOW I CAME TO BE HERE? the skeleton asked, shifting its grip on its scythe.

Sarutobi coughed into his fist. "Um . . ." he glanced at Kakashi, who seemed to be at a lost as much as the other gathered ninja present. "I performed a ritual to summon Death," the leader of the village answered. "But you are not he . . . are you?" he asked the skeleton.

The skeleton's head tilted at old man. I AM, BUT NOT THE ONE THE ONE THAT YOU SOUGHT TO SUMMON, I IMAGINE, it informed helpfully.

"Yes . . ." Sarutobi said, unsure of how to react in the situation. The blob creature seemed to have its hands full fending off the tiny rat with a farming implement. It made him depressed, a little, that his greatest ninja could not fend off the creature by an undead rodent, apparently, could. "The death that we summon has a knife," he offered.

I HAVE A SWORD, Death offered, opening his cloak to show the sheathed weapon.

". . . Very nice," Sarutobi said diplomatically. Death seemed pleased by the compliment.

YES, I MADE IT MYSELF, YOU KNOW.

"Did you," the Hokage said, smiling politely.

OH YES. WOULD YOU LIKE A CLOSER LOOK? Death offered politely, bring phalanges to grip the handle of the sword.

"No!" Sarutobi said quickly, and then caught himself. "No, no—you needn't trouble yourself on my account."

IT IS NO TROUBLE, Death offered.

"Um . . . I have a fear of sharp objects," Sarutobi said, shifting his robes to hide the various kunai and shurikens that he carried. After knowing the fate that he thought would befall him on the actual shinigami's knife, he didn't want to tempt fate by getting near the weapon of a different one.

I SEE, Death nodded, but not because he understood, but because that was what was generally done in such instances, he had observed.

There was silence in the clearing, as none of the ninja dared to move or speak, and Death did not feel the need to fill the silence. Only the occasional sound from the blob and an intermittent SQUEEK filled the air.

FOR WHAT REASON DID YOU SUMMON DEATH? the skeleton asked.

The skeleton's voice was so sudden that it was only the years of training and mental discipline that prevented the Hokage from jumping in shock.

"I was using a sacrificial move that summons Death to eat myself and my foe," he informed the incarnation.

EAT THEM? the skeleton sounded offended by the very notion.

"Yes;" Sarutobi desperately wished he had his pipe, at the current moment. "I'm guessing you don't eat souls, then?"

CERTAINLY NOT! and Sarutobi would have sword that, even though it was impossible for the skeleton to, he gave the old ninja a wounded expression. I ONLY DRINK TEA AND CONSUME THE OCCASIONAL CURRY.

The Third had no idea why a skeleton would need to eat at all, but he wasn't going to argue with Death. You didn't rise to the position of Hokage by being a brain-dead jabbering idiot, after all.

"So, can you kill that thing?" the Hokage asked hopefully, his spirits boosted by the fact that he would not be hanging out with Minato in a deity's colon for the rest of eternity.

I DON'T KILL THINGS, Death informed him.

All the ninja stared at the skeleton, the same thought going through their minds, even Anko turned away from the spectacle of the tiny mouth hacking off pieces of blob, only to have the blob pieces crawl back to the original mass.

"But . . ." the Hokage began.

OH PEOPLE DIE, CERTAINLY, Death said. BUT THAT IS THEIR BUSINESS. I SIMPLY TAKE CARE OF WHAT HAPPENS AFTER. He then brandished his scythe in the air, the blade so sharp that it was a translucent blue in the sunlight as he stalked towards the blob.

Despite knowing well the old adage about not looking gift horses in the mouth, the Hokage could not help but comment, "But I thought—"

ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ARE RARELY ALIVE. THEY ARE IRRESPONSIBLY CREATED AS UNREALISTIC AVATARS WITH NO PERSONALITY, WITH ONLY ONE PURPOSE. ALL THAT THIS CREATURE IS A MASS OF STEREOTYPES AND IDEALISTIC FEATURES HELD LOOSELY TOGETHER BY THE DANGLING PLOT THREADS IT CREATES, Death said, and then proceed take care of business in the manner of a professional who had countless years of doing so.

The battle that waged lasted for centuries and was over in the blink of an eye, because, after all, time was a concept that applied to other people and existed as more of a amusing plaything to Death.

Anko watched impressed; for some reason, the tiny skeletal rat had climbed up her fishnet shirt and was now watching the spectacle. When a blob of Sue when flying towards her, Anko dodged to the side, but this sent the Death of Rats falling forward.

Anko wished she could say that the strangest thing to happen to her today was a tiny skeletal rat popping out of her cleavage and snickering, but she wasn't quite sure if it topped the conversation she had with the blonde-haired kid.

Had that happened today? Or was it weeks ago? She frowned, deftly plucking the rodent from where it was tangled amongst her fishnet shirt. Time seemed to be behaving in a strange fashion, lately.

_The Fourth Wall_

"Okay," Naruto said. "Now, then, why is necrophilia bad?" he asked, his voice suggesting he was talking to a toddler who wanted to stick his or her tongue into an electrical socket.

"Because you like living," Victoria dutifully recited.

"Very good!" Naruto praised, smiling quite happily.

"But I still don't see why I should care," she admitted.

Naruto wanted to cry. He would have explained the concept of pedophilia, but he really doubted that Victoria would grasp the concept or even care if she did.

"So I still fail to see why I should not simply find someway out of this prison, kill you in reality, and then have sex with your corpse." Victoria was a staunch supporter of the "what's mine is mine and what's your mine—I will take it whether you want me to or not!" approach to life.

"If you kill me, my penis dies," Naruto said flatly, having no idea if it was true or not, but he was quite comfortable lying his ass off if it served to further the cause of his continued existence and the sanctity of his genitalia.

"It does?" Victoria had the same look that a child did when you tell them that Christmas has been canceled. "Why?"

"Magic," Naruto said simply, with such conviction that not even the raven-haired woman thought to question it—though magic did explain other things she always wondered about humans, like why they went from tiny things to old things. "A wizard is most likely responsible," he said, unknowingly putting another hole in a Fourth Wall that already resembled fine Swiss cheese.

_The Fourth Wall_

Through the tear created by the Plot Hole, Naruto's words resonated into the Internet.

_A wizard did it_. This is, essentially, what he had said. Unknowingly to the protagonist, he had invoked a meme, and as the old saying went: "Speak of the devil and he shall appear."

Countless things stirred in the circular passages of the Internet, since everyone knows that the Internet is a series of tubes, after all. They all began to go towards a series of web pages called "Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall?"

One of them, from a place called "YouTube," arrived ahead of the pack, and it took on the form of a scroll upon entering the story, landing in a darkened cave.

_The Fourth Wall_

Pein stared at the scroll that had just appeared from what seemed to be the result of a time-space jutsu. Perhaps Madara had sent it? Those were his specialty, after all. Bending down to pick it up, he read what was on it.

SECRETS TO WORLD DOMINATION AND HOW TO BECOME A GOD.

Pein already had his own plan that involved collecting the tailed-beasts, but he was curious as to what this was. Pulling the cord on the scroll, he was rewarded with a puff of smoke that he recognized as a summoning.

He had prepared himself for an attack. What he had not prepared himself for was a man in a suit, singing.

_"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!"_ A man in a white jacket sang.

_The Fourth Wall_

Orochimaru smiled at the new development.

"You seem lost, perhaps I can help you, miss?" he asked, smiling in the same way that child molesters did to gain the trust of small children around the world. It was not everyday a person simply appeared.

The woman, who was wearing a dark dress and had her white hair tied into a neat bun, took one look at the pale man and promptly slammed the metal fireplace poker into his grinning face.

So surprised was the legendary rogue ninja, that he did not have a chance to replace himself with a clone or a nearby object, and felt the full blow of iron coming in contact with his face. Normally such a blow would be nothing to him, but this was not an ordinary woman, and he found his world going black.

Before he passed out, the woman muttered something, but near the end of her sentence her voice took on an unreal quality that made Orochimaru frozen to his very core.

"I suggest YOU STAY DOWN, the woman said, and then froze upon hearing her own voice.

"Not again," she bemoaned, closing her eyes. "Grandfather," she muttered. "you and I need to have words," she muttered, looking about and wondering just where she was.

**Author's Notes**: Hello! Okay, I do not own YouTube or the celebrity that appears, or Discworld.

You know, let's just establish now that I only own a handful of pocket lint and that it would be a waste of time suing me, okay?

I've had that bit with Pain planned for a long time! So glad to finally get to it!


	11. I'm Pretty Sure This Might Be a Hook?

Naruto opened the door to his apartment and was not surprised in the least to see the masked ANBU standing there; still did not stop him from pinching the bridge of his nose to ward off the inevitable migraine.

Holding a hand to stop the elite ninja from speaking, he let out a sigh. "She went outside naked again?" he asked in the manner of someone well accustomed to something that others would find to be completely insane but to the individual was no more novel than tying his or her shoes.

"No," the praying mantis ANBU answered.

Naruto looked up, giving the ninja a strange glance. Could it be she was finally learning?

"She stripped as soon as she entered the restaurant," the ANBU said. Of course, she did.

**Time suddenly froze and a robed skeleton stood there.**

TIME IS DETERIORATING, Death observed. He snapped two phalanges. LET'S GET BACK TO THE PRESENT. THIS SEQUEL HASN'T EVEN BEEN WRITTEN YET.


	12. Retcon'd?  What Retcon?

Naruto felt that something was . . . wrong, as memories fleeted through his mind suddenly-memories of things that had never occurred.

Naruto wasn't sure if time passed in his own mind—perhaps it only passed if he _thought_ it passed? Regardless, he had been trying to explain to exactly why she could not go find and devour a wizard (boy, did he regret making up that excuse, but, damn it!, he was sticking by it!)

Letting out a sigh, Naruto shook his head to dispel the lingering phantom memories (premonitions?) and turned to look at Victoria.

"Hey, fox," he said, scratching at the whisker-like marks on his cheek. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did," Victoria pointed out in a very smartass manner.

Naruto frowned. "Fine," he said, crossing his arms. "Can I ask you two questions?" he said smirking.

Victoria's lips curved into a smirk-and then suddenly went thoughtful. Naruto could envision a little wheel turning in her (most likely hollow) skull, with a little chibi kyuubi running on it furiously.

Victoria chewed on her lower lip. He requested two questions, and the request itself was one of the questions, so that leaves him with . . . damn him. She glared at the smirking child. "I'm going to enjoy picking my teeth with your bones," she told him flatly.

Naruto couldn't help but let his smug grin widen. "Not quite use to wit, are you, fur ball?"

Victoria adopted an air of superiority. "When you're over twenty-feet tall and the biggest, most dangerous thing walking the earth, you don't have to worry about being witty. Most problems can be solved by stepping on them," she informed him, flashing a smile that revealed too-sharp incisors.

Naruto had to conceive that she had a point.

"You had a question?" she reminded him, idly inspecting her pseudo-claws.

"Why did you attack the village?" he asked.

The raven haired woman let out groan and lifted and toyed with one of her tails-turned-hair, exposing a breast to the youth. Naruto found that having a mind that had started puberty sending signals to a body to young to understand them made him feel vaguely . . . constipated? That's the best way he could describe the sensation.

"I was wondering when you'd ask this question," she said, inspecting the ends of her hair. "Does it really matter?" she asked.

"You killed a whole lot of people—I think that's kind of relevant!" Naruto defended.

"Maybe I simply felt like it, maybe I was in a bad mood—maybe I did it for the sheer joy of it. Hell, for all you know, maybe I was simply bored!" she said, letting the hair fall, where it seemed to across her breasts once more.

Naruto glared at the woman, but knew well enough he would never get the truth out of the fox-turned-human. "Fine," he fairly spat. "Do you at least regret it?" and he felt foolish the moment he asked the question.

"No," Victoria asked immediately and without hesitation.

"So all those deaths mean nothing to you!" Naruto demanded!

"Should they?"

"They were people who had hopes and dreams and families—and now they don't!"

"Do ants have hopes and dreams and families?" Victoria asked.

"What?" Naruto looked at her like she had grown another head. "What do ants have to do with anything?"

"How many ants do you think you step upon in your race's insignificant time on this Earth? A thousand? Ten thousand?" she asked.

"Their ants!" Naruto said, not seeing what insects had to do with anything.

"And you're a human! I'm a giant fox!" she said, then looked down at herself. "Well, usually," she corrected. "To an ant, a human or most any other animal must seem like a god, correct?" she asked. "So imagine how I view you humans, no larger than one of my claws."

In that moment, Naruto felt that he understood the Nine-Tails just slightly better. She didn't know concepts such as good or evil, and did not bother quantify her actions as such. She simply _was_ and didn't bother questioning the how or why of herself.

_Fourth Wall_

Time is a fickle thing. Less a linear line and more of a timey-wimey ball of . . . stuff. It is generally a very good idea not to mess with time. Those who have decided to poke at the fabric with a stick have had such unpleasant consequences as erasing their own dumbasses from existence, somehow becoming their own grandfather through unfortunate incest, and have stepped on an ant or a butterfly and caused all humans henceforth to have a spleen.

Unfortunately, False Gods play about with time with the same abandon that pyromaniac plays with a flamethrower in a warehouse full of fireworks—it never ends well. Ontological paradoxes, time travel, alternate versions of yourself, Ground Hogs loops—all general time malarkey.

And now, a future that hadn't even existed (and still didn't presently) had come into existence for a fleeting chapter simply _because!_ There wasn't any real reason, other than someone, somewhere, thought it would be a good idea!

Time was pissed. Okay, "Fourth Wall," you pretentious, self-mocking, troupe laden piece of toilet paper! You want to fuck about with time, let's see how you like this!

_The Fourth Wall_

Hinata was very worried-she hadn't seen Naruto for weeks! What if something had happened to him. So worried was she, that she did not notice a caterpillar crawling along upon the road in front of her, except when it ended a seemingly normal spot of space, it transformed into a butterfly and flew off-only to turn back into a caterpillar and fall to its death after it had flown a couple of feet.

So it was with great surprise that the Hyuuga heiress found herself suddenly falling forward and finding it very difficult to draw breath. Her pale eyes wide, she tried to get up, but found that she had gone through a sudden and violent bought of puberty—that affected only her breasts.

She flailed about, looking like a turtle that gotten stuck on its back, as her suddenly D-cup chest unbalanced her child body and sent her falling to the ground. She now had very little room and her jacket was stretched to the seams. With great panic, she took her small arms and managed, painstakingly, to crawl along the ground.

Suddenly, her chest was back to normal, and all that she was left with from the experience was a very stretched out coat.

_The Fourth Wall_

Across town, **RETCON **Shino **/RETCON** wondered why he seemed to have _grown_ a hooded coat from his body, and why he had the sudden urge to hang out in a dark alleyway and possibly sell drugs.

_The Fourth Wall_

A raven flow gracefully through the air, muttering in a foul manner to itself.

_The Fourth Wall_

A white haired woman whistled shrilly and a _pale_ horse appeared.

_The Fourth Wall_

A wizzard appeared—though if he did _it_ or not has yet to be seen. Currently, he was screaming "Please don't kill me" in as many languages that he knew.

_The Fourth Wall_

A skeleton sat at Ramen stand, eating noodles. Strangely enough, the stand was empty save for the violet-haired ninja who, for some reason, was only wearing a coat.

Anko absentmindedly handed a lump of cheese to the skeletal rodent on her shoulder, all the while wondering exactly where the ramen was going when it was put in Death's mouth.

IT'S NOT CURRY, Death commented, BUT FEW THINGS ARE. The skeleton resumed eating his food.

THE TROUSERS OF TIME HAVE TORN AND THEY ARE NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT, Death commented, picking out a fishcake from the broth and gazing at it curiously.

Anko stared. What the hell did_ that_ mean!

**Author's Note**: I'm sorry. (Hangs head in shame.)

I promise I'll try not to have any more serious scenes in this story, truly I'll try.

For that matter, any guesses what's happening now? Also, I need your help, dear readers! I need to know of some good memes! Like "Deal with it," longcat, LOL cats, or something.


	13. Don't Throw Stone at Weak Fourth Walls

A figure appeared. This figure didn't come out of a house, or was born, or existed before that point. But he had always existed-if only in the minds of certain individuals.

The character might have been male, but, then again, it might have been female. All that it was known that it wore a white trench coat and a fedora-and little else. In its hand it held a bag filled yellow fruit.

Lemons can mean many things, this man/woman/hermaphrodite/whatever-the-hell-it-was knew. They could mean something defective and they could be a fruit; but the Internet . . . on the Internet, they meant something decidedly less sour (unless they written very, very poorly) and all the more sweet.

Yes, the figure thought, as he set his bag down and began making a wooden stand. Lemons were occasionally a good thing-if handled correctly. It finished painting the sign and smiled contently at the message upon it: Lemon-ade, please make best offer

Lemons in fan fiction were interesting, to be sure-but what would happen if someone took a lemon and made lemonade from it?

The figure in the white trench coat let out a giggle. It didn't know-but it wanted to find out.

_The Fourth Wall_

Somehere in the world, a ship appeared on the ocean. This was a strange ship, as it had a giant fan sticking out of it. On the side was written Naru/Sasu.

Another ship appeared, this one bearing the word "Saku/Sasu"

Another: "Naru/Sasu"

Countless ships appeared in the ocean, and all was trangquil for a moment, until with a great cry from one of the ships.

"First post!" Someone yelled out, and then the sky became filled with fire as each ship hurled great plumes of flame at one another.

_The Fourth Wall_

The Man in the White Coat grinned. Happily stirring his Lemon-ade. With his free hand, he took a hammer and nonchalantly swung it in the air. With a great shattering sound, the injured Fourth Wall shattered and ceased to be.

Things were going to get interesting now.

But the Man in the White Coat simply smiled and continued stirring his Lemon-ade (or should it becalled Lemon-aid.) There would very thristy people soon after all.

**Author's Note**: (Continues to stir lemon-aid) Okay people, now the true story begins. Everything that came before was preperation. With any luck, I don't break any of the TOS rules of fan and have the story deleted. But prepare for Fourth Wall breaking like you've never seen !

Now, I require your help! If you've put my story in your favorite lists, do I have pemission to use elements from stories in your account? This story is about to get real surreal!

I hope you have fun.


	14. The Ramen is Lie

_Author's Note_: Sorry about the previous chapter 14. That was a draft for this chapter that I uploaded instead. But that I think of it, I can use this . . .

_ Okay_, Naruto thought, _I was inside my mind, and now I'm not_, he thought, glancing around the room, taking in that it seemed to be made of dark grey tiles and rectangular white panels arbitrarily spaced about it. Truly, there seemed to be no rhyme or reason in its construction: it had a floor, a ceiling, and four walls, certainly, but it had ledges and nooks all about it.

"So where am I?" Naruto muttered, then stopped at the sound of his own voice. Blinking, he looked down at himself. "And I've gone through puberty again, so that's good," he muttered, seeing that he seemed to be back to his previous height and age.

[**Unkown test subject, identify yourself**] a strange disembodied voice suddenly filled the air, though Naruto could not understand any of it. While searching for the source of the voice, he noticed some of those strange symbols on the walls, painted gray.

"_Nani_?" Naruto asked, still looking around. Nothing happened for a second, and then the voice returned.

[**Subject speaking Japanese, switching to native language in 3, 2, 1 . . .**]

[Unknown test subject, identify yourself] the voice spoke once more, and this time Naruto understand what it said.

"Um . . . Uzumaki Naruto?" Naruto answered; though the voice sounded vaguely female, it sounded like it was coming over a radio connection.

[Uzumaki Naruto . . . no record of test subject found] the voice declared. Naruto looked up towards the ceiling to see a strange metal box with a glass circle looking at him. Frowning, he took a step to the side, only to have the box follow him. [Test subject Uzumaki Naruto registered] the voice declared.

"Wait! Test subject? I didn't register for anything, lady!" Naruto denied, shaking his head. Then, suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "You . . . you aren't going to rape me are you?" he asked the female-sounding voice, flashes of certain female monstrosity still fresh in his mind.

[Fraternization with testing subjects is against test protocol] the voice informed him.

Naruto let out a relieved sigh. "Finally," he muttered to himself, a female(?) that didn't want to get her (its?) hands on his junk. "So . . . um . . . how do I get out of here?" he asked.

[Testing procedure states that no test subjects are allowed to leave until mandatory testing has completed.]

A thought occurred to the blonde youth, and he suddenly had visions of a pale-faced, long-tongued pedophile pop into his head. "Hey . . . you aren't going to dissect me, are you?" he asked suddenly.

[No.]

"Inject weird chemicals into me?] he continued.

[No.]

"Drop my corpse into a pit of snakes?"

[No. Snakes are not a standard part of testing. If you do see snakes, it is recommended that you avoid pits of snakes where they do not appear to be part of the test.]

"How about acid or any other liquid?"

[You will not be _intentionally _submerged in any form of hazardous liquids] the voice announced.

"Do you have any food? Some ramen, maybe?" Naruto asked.

[Food is not allowed inside the testing area.]

"Well, I think I've covered everything except fire," Naruto mused. "There isn't any fire involved is there?"

[. . . ] the voice was silent. [At the end of the test there will be. . . ramen . . .] it said.

Naruto brightened! Sure, he didn't know where he was, but this woman wasn't trying to rape him and he was even promised cake! In his books, this was a welcome vacation from the insanity that his life had become.

"Okay, let's do this!" Naruto declared. A door on one of the walls opened, revealing a field of energy.

[Your enthusiasm for science has been noted in your file. Please proceed through the Material Emancipation Grill]

Naruto shrugged, walking through it and shuddering when he felt all his teeth vibrate. "Hey," he said, running his tongue over his teeth, "what's your name?"

[I am a Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System] it informed the ninja. [But you may call me GLaDOS.]


	15. The Internet is for Crack!

Victoria blinked, suddenly finding herself in an infinite expanse. Looking down, she saw beneath her feet, endless streams of two symbols arbitarily repeating: **1** and **0**.

"You look quite lost," a voice asked from behind her, and the not-quite-human woman turned to see a man wearing a long white trench coat and fedora. He was standing behind a stall of some sort, idly stirring a pitcher of yellow liquid.

**Lemon-Aid, **the Nine-Tailed Fox observed scrawled quite messily on the board; though she could not read the characters she recognized them as the being the same ones from her previous trips into this place.

"Care for a glass?" the man in the white coat offered, holding out a cup to the dark-haired woman. "No?" he asked, and then shrugged. "Just as well, I guess. It's not really the time or the place for _that_ kind of behavior," he mused to himself.

"Who are you? Where am I?" Victoria looked around, "and where's Naruto for that matter?" she asked.

The Man in the White Coat chuckled. "Ah, I do so love how you naturally play Miss Exposition!" he cheered. "Questions! Excellent! Now we can move the plot-or lack, thereof-along!" he said. "As for me, I've been many names," he explained.

"I have a true name, but I'm not going to say it here since I don't want a serial axe murder to track me down," he said. "Sometimes I've been known simply as 'Anonymous,' but you would probably know me best as the 'False God.'"

Victoria looked at the man in white, her claw-like fingers flexing. "You're the one responsible for me being trapped in this form!" she growled.

The Man in the White Coat simply smiled, continuing to stir his liquid. "In a sense," he replied. "I created the story, but it was Naruto who made you human and yourself who shaped it.

"As for where you are, well, welcome to the Internet!" he said, spreading his arms wide. "I know, this isn't much to look at, I'll admit, but this is only my profile page, and that's kind of bare," he confessed.

"Where is the brat?" Victoria demanded.

The man in white simply stared at her. "You know, if I could, I'd write you some clothing—maybe give Naruto a break. Especially since he got his old body back with all the hormones and such, but I can't really do anything here," he mused. Suddenly, a long tendril of black hair had risen from covering VIctoria's left breast and wrapped itself around the author's throat. "I forgot you could that,' he observed.

"Where is Naruto?" Victoria demanded, placing her sharp nails at the demi-god's throat.

"Really?" he asked. "You're going to kill the one person who defines your existence? How do you know that as soon as you slit my throat, you won't simply cease to exist? Or that you even can kill me?" he asked.

"I never took any shit from humans before, why should I start now, even if you are a god of sorts?" Victoria answered.

The man in white grinned! "That's why I like you, Victoria!" he cheered, and suddenly was a few feet away from her. "As for where Naruto is, well, I think he might have fallen into the Steam Client on my computer and he could possibly be a computer game . . . but I can't be sure," he shrugged.

"How do I get him back!" Victoria demanded! "How do I get out of here," she growled, none too pleased at having to pander to the whims of a human (even one who had endowed himself with powers that she highly doubted he deserved.)

"You can get him!" he held out a hand and offered a folder to her. "Here, you'll need this," he said.

VIctoria eyed the folder, noting the fox-like symbol on the folder. "And what is that?"

"It's an Internet browser, it's what we False-Gods use to navigate this place," he said. "I figured that Fire Fox would be appropriate," he said.

Still eying the false deity with mistrust, Victoria reached and grabbed the folder, only for her body to enter into spasms as she was suddenly electrocuted. After what seemed like an eternity, the spasms subsided, and she picked herself to her feet. The only thing that kept the former demon from ripping out the coated man's throat then and there was the fact that she probably would not be able to and what might happen to her if she did.

"That was interesting," the Author commented. "Um, you might want to get a comb or something, just FYI," he advised, since Victoria's hair looked—and quite obviously so—as if she had just been electrocuted.

"What. Was. That!" she hissed, her black lips curling upward to reveal her too-sharp teeth.

"Well, I'm lost as you are, but I'm pretty sure it just installed in you," the Author said. Victoria began to take a step forward, but stumbled as she found her body moving in a strange way. Blinking, she looked down and saw that her hips were more flared, and looking behind her she saw that her butt was noticeably larger. Taking a step forward, her hips moved to one side and then the other on their own as her body adjusted to the new weight on her rare end.

"What the hell is this!" she demanded, putting her hands on her now wider hips.

The Man in the White Coat looked down and raised an eyebrow. "You go, J-Lo!" he cheered, and then noticed that Victoria was not amused. "Um . . . I guess the junk went in the trunk?" he guessed. "Hey, listen! It could be worse! That browser had to go somewhere! You're lucky: it could have gone straight to your thighs or you gut. Then again, it could have gone straight to your breasts as well . . ." the Author trailed off, wondering how many cup sizes an internet browser's file size would translate to. "But I'm glad it didn't! Depicting you as a huge breasted red-head is so cliché," he confessed to Victoria. "Look, you need that program, and you can always uninstall it . . . I think," he muttered the last part under his breath. "But!" he began, "a lot of men like what you've got, in a woman! Maybe it Naruto will like it too!" he declared.

Victoria sighed, running her hands over her more flared hips and then reaching behind her squeezing her more prominent rear end. She had just gotten semi-accustomed to walking on two legs without the aid of her tails, now she had to deal with this new manner of walking.

"Moving on," the Author said, summoning a symbol. "This is the executable file for my Steam App. I only have a few games on it, so finding Naruto shouldn't be hard, but afterwards you have to find your way back to the Fan Fiction Network and go into the sequel that I've created for you two. It's currently called 'Fourth Wall the Sequel.'"

Victoria looked over at him. "Couldn't we just go back to whatever world we were at? And what is this 'Fan Fiction' network?"

"Yeah, about that . . ." the Author scratched his head. "That story was more of an experiment, and it turns out that you can't really piece together a fourth-wall once it's been essentially fucked up beyond all recognition—pardon my French," he said to the raven-haired woman. "As for what is, well it's the place where Authors like myself create alternate realities," he explained.

Victoria glared at the infantile man before her. He had decided to destroy reality and toy with _her_ life all on a passing whim? Before she could do something that she would regret she reached out and slapped the symbol that the Author had summoned.

Nothing happened.

"You have to double-click," the Man in the White Coat explained. "Um . . . Slap it twice really quick?" he guessed.

Victoria did so, and found herself suddenly rushing through . . . well, she couldn't really call it _space, _but it seemed to be a tube of some sort. Looking to her left, she saw a statue of a man in a business suit. On the plinth of the statue were symbols: **Al Gore ~ Inventor of the Internet**.

The Fourth Wall

The Author looked to his lemon-aid and pondered it.

"I could have given her a thermos or a to-go cup," he frowned briefly before shrugging. "But it's not like she had any pockets, I guess," he figured.

Reaching down beneath the stall, he pulled out a water gun and began pouring the lemon-aid into the tank; he slapped a "Hi My Name Is: Chekhov" sticker on the breast of his coat.

"You know, I never told her how to use the browser . . ." he frowned. "Oh well, I'm sure she'll manage." he said. He took his water gun full of lemon-aid and exited outside of the story to wait; he had a new rule now!

_The Fourth Wall_

Victoria suddenly found herself in a strange place. It was night, and all around her she was surrounded by buildings made of stone and glass. The sound of crying reached her ears, and she turned towards it. There, huddled in the corner, was a human female with white hair, sobbing in the dark.

Victoria took a step forward, her bare foot hitting a can and sending its skipping noisily. The sobbing woman looked up and stared at the nude woman with glowing eyes. A message suddenly appeared in Victoria's head.

**You have startled the Witch!**

"Witch?" Victoria asked, but that was all she able to think on the matter as the woman flew at her, knocking Victoria to the ground.

The last thing that Victoria saw before her vision turned red with blood was the human woman's fingers that ended in sharp claws.

Disclaimer: Arguably, the story has entered into its meat and potatoes stage. Everything prior to this, was leading up to this moment! The Internet!

Oh yes, I don't own Steam, the Internet, Al Gore (since slavery has been outlawed for some time,) or any game made by Steam.


	16. The Fox's New Clothes!

**Author's Note**: ***Is handed a reward for 100 reviews* You love me! You really love me! *Sobs***

** I'd like to thank all the little people for this success, my own genius, and whatever mental condition that I have yet to be diagnosed with that allows me to think up this crack!**

** Seriously, though, I never ever dreamed that this story would break a 100 reviews, and now it has!**

** So, in celebration, put what you most want to see in the soon-to-come sequel and it shall be so, if I can manage it (which I probably can, since the whole point of these stories are to have literary crack that makes satirical sense given the situations.)**

** Oh yes, and there might be some spoilers for Portal 2. Nothing obvious, just a few mentions here and there.**

** Oh, yes, and as shameless plug, I wrote a short satirical one-shot about Super Mario, if anyone is interested. I might incorporate it into this story in some way.**

_Fourth Wall_

Victoria's world descended into a haze of red and _pain_—well, pain as a human might feel the sensation, since she couldn't be sure.

Really, she just felt numb. Numb and _pissed_! How dare that bitch kill her! She was the Nine-Tail Fox, damn it. Well, she _technically_ wasn't a fox . . . or had nine tails (well, she did, but they were now more like nine strands of hair) but it was the _principle_!

**Respawning 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . .**

And then, suddenly, she wasn't dead any longer! Victoria blinked, looking around at first, and then she looked down. No chunks missing, no blood, and her ass was still its upgraded size.

"So . . . I'm alive again?" she wondered to herself, and then she frowned severely. "What the hell! Why were all the ninjas whining when I stomped them flat! They obviously got better! Bunch of candy-ass sissies . . ." she trailed of muttering to herself, jumping off the roof of the building she had apparently reincarnated upon.

"You got lucky last time, you long-nailed bitch," Victoria growled. "Sucker punch me, will you . . ."

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto happily whistled a little tune to himself; he thought that these tests might be hard! Quite happily, he carried the super cool gun that the nice voice-lady had given him, and a box in the other, as he walked up the wall to where the button was.

[We here at Aperture Science would like to remind the test subject to stop defying the laws of science.]

_Strange_, Naruto thought to himself, _she sounds like a normal lady now. Does sound quite angry, though. Wonder why?_ Happily, he set the box down on the button and watched the door open; this seemed like a fine time to do a little victory dance! Why not, no one was trying to rape him, the only female—at least, it sounded female—wasn't interested in any way in his genitalia, and he had a sweet gun that could make portals.

[Dancing is not part of the test!] GLaDOS announced, to no avail.

[I hate you humans so much] the voice hissed.

_Fourth Wall_

"There you are!" Victoria hissed, her black lips curling into an evil smile that—along with the various entrails and blood that splattered her nude form—made her look evil. "Hey, bitch!" she yelled, causing the sobbing woman to look up.

**You have startled the Witch!**

The familiar voice announced in her head.

"Oh, that's not all I'm going to do to her . . ." the demon (human?) hissed, flexing her nails. Suddenly, the white-haired woman flew at the darker haired naked woman, howling. Only to be suddenly stopped as three strands of raven hair flew out, two wrapping around the witch's wrists and pulling her arms to either side and the other cutting off her howl as it wrapped tightly around her neck.

Then, without any hesitation, Victoria lashed out with her arm and the witch found itself without a face, much of its scalp, and various odds and ends of its skull.

Idly, Victoria heard a small "booping" noise.

**Achievement unlocked**

**Cr0wned - 30G**

Victoria ignored this, and proceeded to keep punching the remains of the witch's face, bits of tooth and brains staining her fists. She wasn't sure how long she vented her rage on the pretentious bitch that had dared to kill her, but the rage finally subsided, Victoria found that she couldn't technically be considered to be naked anymore—so covered in witch, was she.

"What the hell is an 'achievement'?" she wondered, and then her body suddenly shuddered. Looking down in confusion, she saw a number of small bumps all her skin, and she felt . . ._ strange_. Was this how it was to be "cold?" Glancing in fascination at her body, she saw that along with the pumps on her skin, the two pinkish bumps that were on her breasts were sticking out two.

She remembered something about them in that book that the brat had read to her, but she couldn't quite recall what it was. Something about milk? Well, it was obvious to her that they were also for sensing the temperature, too.

"Huh," she commented, prodding one of the bumps with a blood slicked finger and then stopping. That felt . . . _interesting_ . . .

Dismissing the feeling, Victoria rubbed at her skin to attempt to warm up. Looking down, she saw the witch's shirt and panties—formerly white, but now very, _very_ red.

_Fourth Wall_

Naruto was currently falling very fast! He quickly approached the ground . . . only to fall from the ceiling once more.

That portal-thing was the coolest thing ever!

Suddenly, the blue portal beneath him vanished and he slammed into the floor at terminal velocity, but felt no pain due to the snazzy white boots he was wearing. Awesome!

[Solve the damn test!] GLaDOS demanded from wherever her voice came from.

"Okay, okay!" Naruto grumbled. "No need to get all bitchy about it, sheesh . . ." he muttered. Looking around, he saw the door was opened on a very high ledge, and that there were a number of those white walls around the room.

Well, the answer was quite obvious.

Walking up one of the walls, Naruto got level with where the door was.

[No! Nononnononono! That is not how you're supposed to do it! This isn't science!] GLaDOS demanded. [You can't just break the laws of physics!] Naruto ignored her, crouched down, and leapt the expanse of the room to where the door's ledge was.

[. . .] All was silent, until, [You . . . you just soared through the air. . .] GLaDOS commented, and all the mechanical tone vanished until she sounded like a normal human. [Do you know what else soars through the air?] she asked. [_Birds_] the voice hissed, and Naruto could practically taste the disdain for the animal in her tone. [I _hate_ birds!] GLaDOS said, and then went on to mutter something about morons, potatoes, and being eaten.

The door suddenly snapped close quite violently just as Naruto was about to go through.

"Hey!"

[No!] GLaDOS said quite firmly. [Bird-humans do not get to leave the chamber! I'm not opening that door until you solve the test the correct way!]

Naruto turned to stare at the strange metal contraptions that he thought might be the voice's eyes. Sighing, he set the portal-thingy down, and channeled a bit of demonic chakra—it was much easier without Victoria there to regulate it.

[Wait. What are you doing? Stop that!]

Not listening, Naruto then proceeded to rip the door open. Smiling to himself, he picked up his gun and continued on his merry way. Behind him, a cry of pure murderous rage filled the testing chamber.

_Fourth Wall_

Victoria scowled. The tattered white (well, now red) shirt that the decapitated corpse had worn fit her just fine, since they appeared to be about the same size in that regards, but Victoria found that she much wider hips and a bigger butt than the witch.

Cue the undergarments digging into her hips and riding between the cheeks of her ass. Very annoying. Sighing, she idly reached up and grabbed the prehensile tongue that was currently speeding towards her throat. Casually, she yanked the bloated humanlike creature towards her, proceeded to rip out the fleshy appendage, beat it to death with it all the while returning the favor by choking the fat creature with a strand of her hair.

"Yeah," she muttered, "mine are better," she said, hearing a satisfying _crack_! of vertabrae snapping beneath the strain of one of her tails!

She idly thought of the rather old human that she had discovered. He had called her a "witch" and pointed something that made loud noises, spat fire, and propelled tiny pellets at her.

So, obviously, she murdered the hell out of the old man and stole his hat. It looked better on her, anyway, she thought, even though she had yet to find any reflective surface to gauge her appearance.

Walking quickly through the streets, leaving a swath of corpses behind her, she idly contemplated her new form. She had been outside of Naruto before in it, but that had been in that void that the False God had called the "Internet" and certain rules didn't seem to apply there, like temperature.

Now, she discovered, that her breasts bounced and moved when she walked, and it was very strange. This of course, lead her—once she had jumped off the roof after being reincarnated and nearly having her own chest slap her in the chin—how that old lady (the Fifth Hokage? The Sixth? She never kept count) didn't have a face that was permanently bruised from the monstrosities attached to her chest!

_Fourth Wall_

While Victoria was musing on the strangeness of the human female form, she was unaware that a force was observing her progress, unseen.

This entity was known only as the Director, and it was very interested in the player that was so defeating hard mode so easily. It would have to do something about that.

Looking down at its control panel, it saw a row of buttons under the label "Spawn Control" and pushed a button.

**You're Pretty Much *$%!**

_The Fourth Wall_

Victoria meanwhile, was quite startled when a trio of giant men, rippling with muscles, suddenly appeared in front of her, growling. Blinking, she let out a sigh and proceeded to disarm one of them and then beat him to death with it—the other two followed suit quickly.

Then everything suddenly vanished and Victoria found herself in a void. with only one message before her:

_Application Error._

_ This program has performed an illegal operation and must be closed._

_The Fourth Wall_

Naruto found that the old saying was true: the shortest distance between two points really was a straight line.

Even if you had to go through a few walls . . . and doors . . . and leap/fly over a few pits of hazardous chemicals to do so.

Strangely, GLaDOS was now silent, except for a noise that sounded remarkably like teeth being ground together and muttering about lemons and burning his house down—whatever, that meant.

So, it was after many fun chambers and the advancement of Science, that Naruto found himself in a chamber with a strange metal contraption hanging down and number of white egg-like spheres pointing beams of red light at him.

_Hello!_

_ Hello!_

_ Hello!_

_ Hello!_

_ Hello!_

_ Hello!_

The contraption turned to gaze at him, and what seemed to be a head zoomed in. [Oh . . . It's _you_ . . .]


	17. Cake

Naruto found himself in a rather drab room suddenly, and could only recall what had happened moments ago when Victoria had suddenly appeared with considerably more junk in her trunk than she had previously seen her.

**Obligatory Cliché Fan Fic Flash Back!**

** "Quick!" Victoria said, walking in front of him. "Double-click my ass!"**

** Naruto could only stare blankly at her; was that some kind of new innuendo? In any case, he felt he rather take his chances with the rather annoyed homicidal machine.**

** Victoria snarled at him, and Naruto saw that her eyes flashed red momentarily. "Slap my ass, damn it!" she raged.**

** With no other recourse, Naruto gave the former demon a firm but gentle pat on the left cheek.**

** "No, you stupid fool! Slap it twice quickly!"**

** This was getting a little too kinky for Naruto—and on a totally coincidental note, Naruto was reflecting that his old **_**pre-puberty**_** child body was pretty swell, upon reflection. What, with not having any of those annoying hormones and all. That **_**completely **_**random thought had nothing to do with him currently spanking a rather attractive, nude woman (even if she was an eon old force of death and destruction)—nothing at all.**

** Naruto quickly did as instructed, hard enough to leave a red imprint of his hand on the woman's cheek. Right as he was suddenly being dragged somewhere, Naruto vowed to kill the False God, if he ever met him.**

**End Obligatory Cliché Fan Fic Flash Back!**

"And there's a naked woman on the couch," Naruto observed. "Of _course_ there is," he commented. "_Why_ wouldn't there be?" he asked sarcastically; the sad thing, though, was that the sarcasm was only just for show, since he had become resigned to more or less seeing woman in constant states of varying undress already.

"So did I get I transported into one of the perverts novels?" Naruto wondered; he had been forced to read them by his late (not late? time travel was confusing) sensei, after all. "I definitely could have done without the pickle shot, though," Naruto said, his face twisted in distaste as he saw the dark-haired woman grab the erect penis of the man she was laying on top.

"Wait . . ." Naruto said, leaning closer despite himself, "what's that in her hand?" he wondered, seeing something thick and white wrapped in one of the woman's fists. "What's she doing with tha . . ."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Naruto swore when she saw just what the woman was doing with the object. And the man's penis. Together. "WHAT KIND OF SICK BITCH DOES THAT! WHAT THE HELL . . . FUCK!" Naruto swore, unable to believe his eyes.

_The Fourth Wall_

The Author quite happily hummed to himself, pleased that college was now finished and he could focus on the story. And that last sentence totally wasn't an excuse to his readers-at all. He also quite happily ignored the pale, long haired child in a red dress staring at the back of his head.

"Alma," he asked. "You scare the living shit out of me, but that's beside the point," he said aside. "I never planned to have you in this story, and for that matter, how did you get out of your game? Don't you have a new one coming out soon? Should you really be here?" he questioned the world-destroying child/grown pregnant woman.

Alma, of course, said nothing and instead tried to melt the Author's skeleton with her reality warping psychic powers of death.

"I wonder how Victoria got into the Portal game and got Naruto out?" the Author pondered in a rather obvious manner. "I'm certainly not doing a cop out and not explaining," he said, his eyes shifting about from side to side. "And the unexplained events certainly won't come back to bite Naruto in the ass in the sequel!"

Alma suddenly appeared inches from the Author's face, causing the False God in the strait jacket to fall back on his ass. "Stop doing that!" he demanded.

_The Fourth Wall_

Victoria quite happily ate something called "cake" that the nice robot lady had given her. Victoria found that she and GLaDOS shared a lot of things in common.

"I know!" Victoria said, waving a cake covered plastic fork about. "Humans make such a fuss if you smash them or maim them or eat one of their arms!" she agreed.

[It seems we must suffer these inferior beings as being necessary] GLaDOS commented.

Victoria snorted. "Neccessary?" she asked. "I used to be a giant fox-shaped mass of pure hatred and destruction that had nine tails. I killed as many humans as I damn well please! Now look at me!" she demanded, a cake crumbs spraying from her lips in indignation. "Although, I suppose this form does have some advantages," she said, placing a hand on her stomach. "Hey, you know about sex and humans and stuff, right? What kind of kid would I have if I got 'pregnant?'" she asked the AI. "Would it be able to kill and maim very effectively?"

[I don't know. But I would very much like to see that—for science, of course] GLaDOS amended.

**Autor's Note: Though I am not sure, I feel quite confident in saying that I am the first Naruto fan fic anywhere (in the history of the Internet) that has the Kyuubi saying the words, "Double-click my ass" to Naruto. I dare you to find another!**

**Also, if any of you are curious as to where Naruto is-it is a website. DO. NOT. LOOK. FOR. IT. If you know what website it is, don't say so in the review. A reviewer, though I love them dearly, told me about it and I went and looked it up out of curiosity-and I desperately wish I had not. So don't do it. What has been seen cannot be unseen.**


	18. Note: Regarding this Story

Dear readers of Fourth Wall, it is I, the Man in the White Coat, and I am here to give you an update to the status of this of this story. This story has been inactive for a prolonged period of time, and I have found myself struggling to think of new and interesting material to put into it.

As such, I felt it only appropriate to inform those who have stuck this story, to its status.

Effective on this posting, Fourth Wall will be updating once more.

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What? You were expecting some other message?

_Fourth Wall_

"Yeah, that'll work" the Author said looking up at the above message. "Let's see: _purposely-_" his eyes shifted back and forth cagily-"wait a month to make a point on the cliché of long updates. Check." The Author then busied himself at looking up Achievement guides for such great games such as Infamous 2 and Alice: Madness Returns (though this is a totally coincidental subject that has NOTHING to do whatsoever with the long lack of updates on the Author's part."

Behind him a woman sat, her arms crossed petulantly across her chest as her form shifted from that of a child in a red dress to a nude woman and then to a pregnant nude woman.

"Now, now," the Author chided. "I may not know how you got into this story or why, but I can tell that I will be quite happily killing you tomorrow when your new game comes out, Alma," he said soothingly to the world-destroyer mother.

The Author suddenly paused. "Wait a minute, what has Victoria and Naruto been doing this last month and half?" he wondered. "Well, time does work in real-time," he mused, "well, when I want it to at least-I admit, the scale is spotty since it is largely a half-assed commitment on my part." He then thought on the matter as Alma tried to melt his skeleton once more-though by now it was out of sheer boredom than anything else.

"Well, in that once chapter, Naruto was aware of how long had passed when he was stuck in a writer's block-but this wasn't really a writer's block and more of an unmotivated laze-about on my part . . ." he muttered to himself, hoping that most of his readers would skip this description due to its lack of action (most of them probably were a generation raised on Call of Duty and other brain dead FPS games, after all)

"Oh well," he shrugged. Raising his hand into the air, he took in a deep breath and enacted the God given right of every two-bit fan fiction writer: the cop-out. "**Deus ex Machina!**" the Author intoned.

And with a snap of his mighty fingers, he fast forwarded the story several arcs that might or might not have involved Disney characters, YouTube videos, and several cease and desist orders against the Author himself.

The loyal readers would never get to read these assuredly epic parts of the story, but should be assured that they were indeed the most awesome things ever written.

Yes, that includes more awesome than a time-travelling cyborg Sherlock Holms that squirted processed cheese food out of his nostrils.

_The Fourth Wall_

In the internet there existed a certain site. In this site (that _will_ remain unnamed to protect the sanity of the readers of this story) there is a certain video involving a hot woman, a naked dude, and an unholy act involving said naked dude's urethra.

Naruto stood silently next to a lamp, gazing dumbly at the scene-as he had been doing for over a month. You see, Naruto was completely dead inside. You could have shoved an explosive device down his pants and he would not have noticed.

He simply stared at the nameless dude getting his junk violated.

"I'm pretty sure you're it wrong," a female voice commented, and Naruto turned his head to find that Victoria was standing beside him, watching the lewd act with a look of puzzled interest. "Lady," she addressed the nude woman. "You aren't supposed to insert anything into his penis," she helpfully informed the woman. "He's supposed to insert his penis into you! You two have it backwards!"

Confused, she tilted her head towards Naruto, her blood stained hat-thing nearly falling off her head. "Or did I have it wrong all this time?" she asked Naruto.

Very calmly, Naruto reached out and gripped Victoria by the brown shirt she wore (not paying any attention as several blond flakes fell off the material.) Ignoring the fact that the area he grabbed was over to two lumps, he politely cleared his voice and looked the raven-haired woman in the eyes.

"Victoria, fox," he began calmly. "If you come anywhere near my junk with the intention of inserting _anything _into it-I will do something so severe the other eight of you tailed nut jobs will cringe in fear of it," he informed her politely.

He then, still copping a feel, slapped her twice in the ass with confidence, and they vanished.

_The Fourth Wall_

Naruto arrived in front of a very familiar ramen stand, with the sounds of war occurring all around him. Blinking, Naruto gazed about and saw Itachi appear, slit Ino's throat, Tsunade appear, punch the member of Akatsuki away, and save Ino.

Then every Kage that ever existed (and many that simply didn't) got ready to battle. Naruto saw reality begin to waver and about to collapse.

Nodding to himself, Naruto knew what was about to happen.

_Fuck that._

What proceeded to happen was so epic it could not be contained in this chapter.

_The Fourth Wall_

The False God looked on in confusion. "Chapter 1?" he asked. "I thought that thing got meta-deleted?" he pondered. And then the Matrix flashed before him as something happened in the story.

"That's not good," the Author commented.

Alma decided to get out of there; no way, she was going to deal with what was about to happen.


	19. Ultimate Showdown of Cliches!

The Author stood in cyberspace, with Alma standing behind him in her teenage form from F.3.A.R. (pronounced "_fa-thirir") _when suddenly an electronic beep interrupted his musings. Looking down he gazed at the electronic watch on the outside of the straight jacket (deciding to ignore the fact that he was never previously mentioned to have a watch in previous chapters, nor did he, and simply go with, because, hey!, what was one more plot hole in a fan fic whose story resembled swiss cheese?)

The watch was now stuck at 11:00.

"Oh, that is not good," the Author muttered to himself. "Is he really pulling an Eleventh-Hour super power?" he muttered.

"Fuck this," Alma said, speaking for the first time and promptly vanishing in a poof of ash. She might have destroyed entire cities and military forces, and was an apocalyptic, psychic, world destroyer mother to a super soldier and a psychic ghost-but there are some things that you simply DO NOT mess with, no matter how powerful you are.

That's only good common sense.

_The Fourth Wall_

Victoria felt a strange liquid well up in her eyes as she gazed upon the carnage that had just occurred around her. That, and she felt all tingly and turned on.

She fondly thought back to the sheer chaos that had just occurred moments before:

** Naruto saw reality was about to fracture and he would be sent back in time and have to deal with that Marie Sue Shadow Ass Wipe-or whatever its name was.**

** No. No, no, no, ****NO!**** he couldn't really begin to emphasize how much that wasn't going to happen-just NO.**

** Suddenly, he didn't feel worried or angry at all. He simply felt calm. Smiling serenely, he calmly walked forward, found Deidara, and quickly twisted androgynous bomb-nuts dead a full 360 degrees.**

** Stepping over the corpse, he began to hear some music coming from somewhere, but he didn't really know where. It seemed to be talking about Go-Zilla, some zombie named Lincoln, a bat-man of some sort. It didn't really matter.**

**IT'S THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN OF ULTIMATE DESTINY!**

We interrupt the flow of this flashback to segue unnecessarily to the Author.

The Man in the White Coat clicked rapidly over the "X" in the upper-right corner of the window that had inexplicably opened and integrated itself into the latest chapter.

"This wasn't supposed to be a song-fic!" he ranted, hitting the "X" with his forehead, since his arms were bound in a restraint jacket. "Even if it was, why the hell is Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny playing!

Now back to your flashback

** Stepping over Deidara's corpse, Naruto saw Itachi and the shark-dude appear before him. Not even batting an eye, he summoned the Shinigami and had him seal Itachi's soul. Never mind the fact that Naruto should have had his soul eaten by the death god, but that was fine; Naruto had cottoned on to the fact that he was the Main Character-and that meant he could basically get away with whatever the hell he wanted, logic or laws of story and plot progression be damned!**

** Then-WITHOUT HAND SEALS-Naruto created a clone made purely out of the Kyuubi's Chakra (Chakra shouldn't-DOESN'T-work like that, but hey, he was the main character and it seemed "cool," so that made it **_**okay**_**) and the clone threw a Rasenshuriken at the fish dude. As soon as the carnage cleared, all that was left was the red-cloud cloak with a platter of perfectly prepared sushi laying on it.**

** Awsome.**

** Humming happily to himself, Naruto picked up the fish-guy's sword, which immediately accepted him because of how **_**AWESOME**_** Naruto was. Not even wasting a moment, Naruto decided it would be a grand old time to suddenly have the abilty to fly, and proceeded to do just that.**

** While in the air, Naruto threw of a few hundred regular rasengans, flinging them about like they were pennies, reducing the enemy invaders numbers to practically nothing, but magically never hurting any friendly combatants or any of the surrounding buildings!**

** AMAZING!**

** Suddenly dive bombing down, Naruto stabbed his new sword into Kakuzu. Of course, never having wielded a sword before, obviously, the cuts were so masterfully done that they pierced each one of Kakuzu's hearts with each swing. Kakuzu stood there, still moving, for a good twenty seconds before his body seemed to remember a little thing called "physics" and proceeded to slide about in a spray of blood.**

** Of course, the Fishy-Dude's sword isn't even sharp to cut, to begin with, and it had still been wrapped in its bandages when it totally fucked Kakuzu's shit up, but Naruto didn't let little facts like that get in the way of his ass kicking extravaganza.**

** Hidan was trying to do his voodoo-thing, so Naruto copied the ability with his Sharingan eye (wasn't quite sure where it came from, but what the hell?) and proceeded to do it to Hidan-without any of Hidan's blood. How do you like them apples, you undead freak!**

** As Hidan was dying, despite, you know, not being able to die, Naruto summoned a giant tornadoes of water from thin air and dropped it on the paper-lady, who proceeded to fall about like the Wicked Witch of the West. Then, doing a few hand signs, Naruto summoned a giant paper shredder, and despite never seeing one or the fact that they didn't exist in the Naruto universe, proceeded to use a wind jutsu to load the sopping papers into the shredder.**

** Dozens of scrolls suddenly appeared, and shrugging his shoulder, Naruto created a shadow clone for each and proceeded to sign and mark each scroll. Then, just for the hell of it, he summoned the boss of every summon in existence and had them totally dismantle Zetsu.**

** His other shadow clones were killing the remaining members of Akatsuki, whom he couldn't be bothered to remember.**

** Then suddenly Madara showed up, seething in rage. Suddenly, the music that had been playing before got a thousand times louder.**

_**And angels sang out in immaculate chorus**_

_**Down from the Heavens, descended Chuck Norris**_

_**Who delivered a kick that could shatter bones**_

_**Into the crouch of Uchicha Madara**_

** And indeed a ray of light spilt the heavens a shirtless man wearing a cowboy hat proceeded to do just that to Madara, who promptly died-because NO ONE, from any universe, could ever survive a kick from Chuck Norris.**

** Naruto watched as the strange man suddenly vanished, not really caring or having any opinion whatsoever on what had just occurred. Then he blacked out, but before he did he saw an older man in a blood-stain green sweater killing all the Hokages with a sword.**

** The last thing Naruto heard was, "I'm Mr. Fucking Rogers, bitch!"**

_Back to the present_**  
**

Naruto let out a groan. Why did his head hurt? More importantly, why did he suddenly feel so completely and totally unclean, and his mouth tasted of a hundred half-assed clichés?

_Fourth Wall_

_ Author's Note: I'm not sure whether I should be ashamed or proud of myself for writing this chapter. At any rate, I fit my quota for sarcasm, that's for sure. I'm pretty sure I hit every cliché in that battle scene, but I'm not a Main Character-I'm just a humble false god, so everything doesn't come perfectly to me :)_

_ Also, the song playing is Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. Look it up on YouTube, and this crack-fest of a chapter _might_ make just an iota more sense._


End file.
